[ Just as Jonas rereads his messages, so too does the darkest part of Noctis, scrolling upward with a lazy flick of a finger and then back down to four little words he snorts at. Poor thing. ]
A lifetime of pointless fighting and worrying, for starters. More, depending on how important people around you decide you are.
Think about your dad. You're important to him, and now you're gone. That's your worry and his together, but it doesn't have to be. If he realizes you're dead and so do you, just like you said, you can let it all go. Do whatever you want here.
(while all of what noctis writes to him sounds cathartic, the most appealing aspect is letting go. having the fatalism to let anything and everything happen to him while seeking his own path forward. if he wanted to screw up, he could. if he wanted to leave everything behind, he could.
apathy's barb might've lodged itself deeper into his skin if the mention of his father didn't twist it back out.
it presents itself to jonas as so absurd that his head bows forward between elbows propped up along bent knees, and he sniffs morosely at how pathetic the situation has become. abandoning his father to grief meant abandoning him entirely, leaving him without a care—with a new wife for support, certainly, but that wouldn't be enough. clarissa said it straight: "don't die and everything will be fine." they would separate at the loss of their son and daughter because jonas couldn't save himself or alex from a tragedy he wrought. they would both be alone again, and their worlds would funnel into one thing:
his father loves him despite everything he's put him through; without a body or confirmation of death, it would be a search unending.)
My dad's been through enough. He's a worrier, and I never got to tell him things I should've before I got stuck here. So I gotta get home and so do you. Forget everything else.
You said you'd throw down for me if I get into trouble here. And you said I could hitch a ride when you find the way out. ik I won't be much help bc I'm not bright and I'm not strong, but why don't we work together on it?
You missed a chance to tell him something? That's sad. Must feel like someone's stabbing you in the gut. Like you're all twisted up inside because it's all you keep thinking about. Sure, get home and tell him all about how much you suffered so he can feel comfortable about it. How selfish are you? Lol. More or less selfish than I would be if I went back just to say it all to my old man's grave?
There's no closure for me there. There's barely any for you. New kid, new town.
And he wants me to fight his battles for him? A weak idiot, what a great advertisement. You know what? You're not quite that pretty either.
Taking on a hanger-on like you, should I do that because it's "right" or to make myself feel better? Sounds exhausting lmao.
(jonas has to create an island at the centre of their argument to stow this comment, safe from everything else. noctis lost a parent and he knows intimately how devastating it is. he will not strike at that wound nor any other.
it's far easier to concentrate on how noctis is defining him.)
I'm not touching that with this.
Having me around would probably be exhausting, you're right about that. You didn't wanna show it on the ship over here, but you were sick of me then too. I was scared, I was needy, and I was being a jerk. And that's okay, bc I was sick of you, too. You kept rushing me when I wasn't ready, you even acted all pretentious with an asshole look on your face. But we still got out of there together, didn't we?
Maybe trying to ask you and my dad for help is selfish. Maybe it was learned behaviour, or I was born this way and I'll always need to be dependent on somebody.
You're a bigger dumbass than I am though if you think everything you're telling me is smth new I've never heard before. I get it from ppl like you and I get from myself. So go ahead and talk trash. Put me down, tell me I'm stupid and a waste of potential. You can't even work a fucking oven dude.
[ Four words that could seem sincere in any other context but in this one they're dripping with resentment and anger, a sharp callback to what Jonas had requested – "only if you promise not to apologize". ]
We got out of that ship earlier because of me. You can't tell some great story about our teamwork and how well we worked together while hating being around one another. There's no teamwork there.
I can learn what I need to but you? Even just thinking about dragging you along with me is making me feel sick to my stomach. As if I don't have enough on my plate. Do me a favor, give up, and figure out how to make yourself happy here. I don't need that baggage and I don't fucking deserve it, I'm tired.
(he's always been a burden on the lives of others, and to hear it illustrated so plainly is simultaneously a relief and indescribably painful. there isn't much willpower left in him to deny it again and again and again.
so, jonas copes by shutting down and building a wall to hide the sadness behind. it shows in his next message. there's less feeling in it and more bitter jokes; now all he wants is the last laugh.)
In some bizarre way, I'm comforted by the fact that deep down you're actually a giant asshole, so you've inadvertently helped your disgusting leech friend out again. You're BAD at this LMFAO
Why don't you go take a nap if you're so tired you sad fucking manchild? I'm done.
How perfect is that? Resorting to name-calling all because...... what, because I told the truth? Wow, fucking incredible. You really know how to stand up to the opposition. And you're the one who's gonna keep us going? That was how you advertised yourself, right? Holding the lineeeee
[ When Noctis's eyes open there's a new ache to them. He feels overtaxed, every muscle in his body overworked by an unbelievable anger that's knotted him up into a ball of tension. His teeth are still grit and it's only active effort that has his jaw relaxing, dread rising like bile from his gut as he combats the physical manifestations of feelings he doesn't remember feeling.
His exhale is heavy, but his inhale is caught when he stares down at the face of his phone. Ugly, vicious words stare back at him.
A few from Jonas. Almost all... from him. His mouth runs dry as panic washes over him, a cold sweat setting in almost immediately while his thumb slides absentmindedly up and down the edge of the case. It feels like far longer than the minute or so it takes him to type a shaky, uneasy follow-up. ]
(committing to "i'm done" is difficult after noctis gets his last barb in. name-calling is far easier to handle than whatever this is; his words are being thrown back in his face as though they're nothing more than a joke.
just once, he'd like to ask why this is the result of his efforts to reconnect with people. old "friends" had a lot to say about his year-long disappearance and even more about his resulting disposition, which led to ghosting en masse and being cut out of the lives of those he'd come to trust. they mocked him and his circumstances, and some even tried to make light of it for his "own benefit," but every single reaction made him shrink further and further into himself.
it's happening again even now when they're both dead and lacking support, which is, jonas imagines, why it's just as humiliating.
to collect his thoughts and compartmentalize the day, jonas leaves his phone on the windowsill to light a cigarette outside. after smoking two more end-to-end, he returns, apathetic, to another notification.)
Hey, I knew you'd be back. You forget to add the rest of the Es?
[ No reply comes at first, and it leaves Noctis to assume the worst. Jonas is gone, Jonas has blocked him, Jonas is, for all intents and purposes, done continuing in this conversation. It cuts him off from a chance to explain himself or a chance to apologize, or even a chance to make it clear that he knows all he just said was wrong.
Sure, he might not know him well yet, but his mistrust for Jonas doesn't run half as deep as what he's reading implies... does it? Why the fuck did he say it? ]
Did you lose control earlier?
[ The pointed question replaces softer first attempts, throwaway comments about his typing or tries to ease the very, very thick tension. ]
(the text's contents are unwelcome. even dormant after expending energy to manifest, his shadow forces his thumb to dismiss the messaging app altogether.
it takes effort to reopen it, jonas' jaw locking to place heavy pressure back on molars that taste like ash.)
Yeah, I did. It was bad, and I'm really sorry I fucked up that hard.
So can we blame all this on that and just cool it for a bit?
[ His hand's rubbing at his mouth seemingly without his say-so, anxious in waiting for a reply with locked in body language and a vacant stare down at his phone. For the second time now, someone or something has shoved his consciousness viciously into the back of his mind and puppeteered his body... and just like the first time, he has zero memory of it.
And it happened at the worst fucking moment, and he said the worst things– and some of those things were personal. They were things only Noctis himself would know. ]
No
Yeah, I mean, but can you tell me you're okay first. If you wanna stop talking for now I get it but I need to know that.
(jonas knows his snort is unfair despite noctis being unable to hear it, and the silence after it only makes him feel guiltier.
it struck him as a ridiculous question; how could he be okay? noctis certainly isn't, apparent in the way he seeks his answers. the combination of that, and the oppressive shame that this was all started by him, is what makes jonas respond honestly.)
Am I okay? No, actually, I'm not lol. I lost control of my own body and passed out on the floor, I'm scared out of my mind, and I feel like garbage bc like right after I called you my friend we decided to lay into each other.
Am I used to all of the above? Shockingly yes. And I'll get over it.
I have a splitting headache so I'm gonna go with a "yes, I hit my head," but I'm coherent and spelling things right. ig it was just a love tap from the floor or smth. idk
You just said you didn't "decide" anything and now you're blaming yourself. Which is it?
bc man, I didn't want to sound crazy, but I've honestly had enough of fibbing to make other ppl feel better in scary situations so here goes: I've been feeling this thing in the back of my head since we got to Stygia and it's been saying the worst shit ever.
[ Did he choose to go after Jonas? No, not consciously. Were his fingers still the ones that typed those messages? Undoubtedly. Just like he was the one that freaked him out the day the Soulidarity app went live, that was him. Or some version of him that this place feels like creating to mess with them all, and that's a much more appealing idea that he wants to latch onto. ]
Like it's talking to you or smth? Idk maybe someone or smth is contacting us and taking control when we least expect it. It's just messed up that they know so much about us. That's the piece I don't get.
Look w/e it is maybe if we talk to each other about it we can figure smth out
Well, whatever this thing is it's not me. I'M me. And I'M sick of this shit. That's all I know and it's all I want to know. I want it out of me.
(it's taking hold of him. it's taking him over. it's filling itself into the hollow parts of his body and manoeuvring him around like a doll. it's just like before, only this time there's no pain to tell him when.
jonas sits heavily on the couch and leans forward onto his knees.)
Just like that's not you. It's just not, so let's work off that.
rn though I don't want to talk about it. I want to talk about smth normal for like 5 minutes without being interrupted by smth horrible.
He wants a straight answer out of somebody, no more avoiding, no more bullshit, no more tasteful dancing around a problem or tasteless outright aversion. No glances away in an effort to pretend something painful hasn't just happened, no theatrical performances of normal.
But. But. He feels in the very fiber of his being that persistent desire to be average, to break from the irrationality of a strange life and a stranger vacation from it just to talk to someone who understands. ]
Okay.
We take 5. We were talking about stuff we were into earlier right?
(wanting to move on is far easier than actually putting it into practice. the mood has been irrevocably sullied by their shadows, so how are they meant to contend with that? jonas feels as though his heart might stop with how hard it's pounding in his chest. if it doesn't, dry-heaving is still a very real possibility.
it was his demand, which makes him the one responsible for easing them into another topic.)
Piano's cool, I've always wanted to learn. For keyboarding or like synth stuff yk?
I play ukulele and guitar. ik sometimes ppl say if you play one you'll be at least familiar with the others like electric guitar, bass guitar, etc. but it's actually way harder than that so. Going from ukulele to guitar was so weird.
Did you try to play video game stuff on the piano when you had the chance? Lol
So you're not into trying to play big classical numbers? I only ever got stuck with the slow boring waltzes
And nah, video games came later for me. I stuck to myself as a kid so I didn't know anyone who gamed and it wasn't smth that was around. When I finally started I hadn't touched a piano in years.
Good god ia, waltzes are the worst. They make me think of chicks in ballgowns and a bunch of pretentious dudes. I'd like to play some classical stuff though ig, it just wouldn't be my actual focus.
My mom wouldn't let me have game systems bc she thought they'd rot my brain or whatever, so she taught me about music instead. Like how to really appreciate it. She taught me ukulele. After that, idk I think I thought guitar would make me popular, hilariously. And it worked, just in weird ways.
I don't regret it and I do really like it, I just wish I hadn't done it to impress ppl. Hobbies should just be for your own enjoyment, like music or sports or video games or..... whatever.
[ Considering the few parties at which a very shy young prince had been encouraged to play a few bars, incredibly reluctantly? Jonas's description is pretty close to home. Ballgowns and pretentious guys, huh... ]
Yeah.
Idk it sounds like a win win. You came out of it thinking a new way and got a hobby you still like. That's cool.
I've seen music shops. And it'd be pretty weird if people didn't play sports, but you could probably get them on board if they didn't. Games idk, I haven't looked. Fsr buying one here would feel off
That's a better way to see it, probably. You think it's cool, I just think it's lame.
Also lame: trying to make people play sports with me here. Like your thing w/ the games, it'd feel super weird. It'd be like..... me pretending to be into it the whole time while handling a mental breakdown poorly. Or maybe it wouldn't at all. Maybe it'd be good exercise and a healthy coping mechanism.
Either way, ik what you're saying, I think. If not, then we'll be confused together.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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A lifetime of pointless fighting and worrying, for starters. More, depending on how important people around you decide you are.
Think about your dad. You're important to him, and now you're gone. That's your worry and his together, but it doesn't have to be. If he realizes you're dead and so do you, just like you said, you can let it all go. Do whatever you want here.
Be anybody.
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apathy's barb might've lodged itself deeper into his skin if the mention of his father didn't twist it back out.
it presents itself to jonas as so absurd that his head bows forward between elbows propped up along bent knees, and he sniffs morosely at how pathetic the situation has become. abandoning his father to grief meant abandoning him entirely, leaving him without a care—with a new wife for support, certainly, but that wouldn't be enough. clarissa said it straight: "don't die and everything will be fine." they would separate at the loss of their son and daughter because jonas couldn't save himself or alex from a tragedy he wrought. they would both be alone again, and their worlds would funnel into one thing:
his father loves him despite everything he's put him through; without a body or confirmation of death, it would be a search unending.)
My dad's been through enough. He's a worrier, and I never got to tell him things I should've before I got stuck here. So I gotta get home and so do you. Forget everything else.
You said you'd throw down for me if I get into trouble here. And you said I could hitch a ride when you find the way out. ik I won't be much help bc I'm not bright and I'm not strong, but why don't we work together on it?
I can make sure we keep going.
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There's no closure for me there. There's barely any for you. New kid, new town.
And he wants me to fight his battles for him? A weak idiot, what a great advertisement. You know what? You're not quite that pretty either.
Taking on a hanger-on like you, should I do that because it's "right" or to make myself feel better? Sounds exhausting lmao.
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(jonas has to create an island at the centre of their argument to stow this comment, safe from everything else. noctis lost a parent and he knows intimately how devastating it is. he will not strike at that wound nor any other.
it's far easier to concentrate on how noctis is defining him.)
I'm not touching that with this.
Having me around would probably be exhausting, you're right about that. You didn't wanna show it on the ship over here, but you were sick of me then too. I was scared, I was needy, and I was being a jerk. And that's okay, bc I was sick of you, too. You kept rushing me when I wasn't ready, you even acted all pretentious with an asshole look on your face. But we still got out of there together, didn't we?
Maybe trying to ask you and my dad for help is selfish. Maybe it was learned behaviour, or I was born this way and I'll always need to be dependent on somebody.
You're a bigger dumbass than I am though if you think everything you're telling me is smth new I've never heard before. I get it from ppl like you and I get from myself. So go ahead and talk trash. Put me down, tell me I'm stupid and a waste of potential. You can't even work a fucking oven dude.
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[ Four words that could seem sincere in any other context but in this one they're dripping with resentment and anger, a sharp callback to what Jonas had requested – "only if you promise not to apologize". ]
We got out of that ship earlier because of me. You can't tell some great story about our teamwork and how well we worked together while hating being around one another. There's no teamwork there.
I can learn what I need to but you? Even just thinking about dragging you along with me is making me feel sick to my stomach. As if I don't have enough on my plate. Do me a favor, give up, and figure out how to make yourself happy here. I don't need that baggage and I don't fucking deserve it, I'm tired.
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so, jonas copes by shutting down and building a wall to hide the sadness behind. it shows in his next message. there's less feeling in it and more bitter jokes; now all he wants is the last laugh.)
In some bizarre way, I'm comforted by the fact that deep down you're actually a giant asshole, so you've inadvertently helped your disgusting leech friend out again. You're BAD at this LMFAO
Why don't you go take a nap if you're so tired you sad fucking manchild? I'm done.
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[ When Noctis's eyes open there's a new ache to them. He feels overtaxed, every muscle in his body overworked by an unbelievable anger that's knotted him up into a ball of tension. His teeth are still grit and it's only active effort that has his jaw relaxing, dread rising like bile from his gut as he combats the physical manifestations of feelings he doesn't remember feeling.
His exhale is heavy, but his inhale is caught when he stares down at the face of his phone. Ugly, vicious words stare back at him.
A few from Jonas. Almost all... from him. His mouth runs dry as panic washes over him, a cold sweat setting in almost immediately while his thumb slides absentmindedly up and down the edge of the case. It feels like far longer than the minute or so it takes him to type a shaky, uneasy follow-up. ]
Jonas?
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just once, he'd like to ask why this is the result of his efforts to reconnect with people. old "friends" had a lot to say about his year-long disappearance and even more about his resulting disposition, which led to ghosting en masse and being cut out of the lives of those he'd come to trust. they mocked him and his circumstances, and some even tried to make light of it for his "own benefit," but every single reaction made him shrink further and further into himself.
it's happening again even now when they're both dead and lacking support, which is, jonas imagines, why it's just as humiliating.
to collect his thoughts and compartmentalize the day, jonas leaves his phone on the windowsill to light a cigarette outside. after smoking two more end-to-end, he returns, apathetic, to another notification.)
Hey, I knew you'd be back. You forget to add the rest of the Es?
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Sure, he might not know him well yet, but his mistrust for Jonas doesn't run half as deep as what he's reading implies... does it? Why the fuck did he say it? ]
Did you lose control earlier?
[ The pointed question replaces softer first attempts, throwaway comments about his typing or tries to ease the very, very thick tension. ]
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it takes effort to reopen it, jonas' jaw locking to place heavy pressure back on molars that taste like ash.)
Yeah, I did. It was bad, and I'm really sorry I fucked up that hard.
So can we blame all this on that and just cool it for a bit?
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And it happened at the worst fucking moment, and he said the worst things– and some of those things were personal. They were things only Noctis himself would know. ]
No
Yeah, I mean, but can you tell me you're okay first. If you wanna stop talking for now I get it but I need to know that.
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it struck him as a ridiculous question; how could he be okay? noctis certainly isn't, apparent in the way he seeks his answers. the combination of that, and the oppressive shame that this was all started by him, is what makes jonas respond honestly.)
Am I okay? No, actually, I'm not lol. I lost control of my own body and passed out on the floor, I'm scared out of my mind, and I feel like garbage bc like right after I called you my friend we decided to lay into each other.
Am I used to all of the above? Shockingly yes. And I'll get over it.
Are you okay?
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I just wanna make sure you didn't hit your head or anything or
Idk
Stuff that's not "I'll get over it".
[ It's a lot of words to cover his worry for the other young man and the accompany huge wave of guilt. ]
Ngl I don't really feel like talking about me after what I said.
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You just said you didn't "decide" anything and now you're blaming yourself. Which is it?
bc man, I didn't want to sound crazy, but I've honestly had enough of fibbing to make other ppl feel better in scary situations so here goes: I've been feeling this thing in the back of my head since we got to Stygia and it's been saying the worst shit ever.
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[ Did he choose to go after Jonas? No, not consciously. Were his fingers still the ones that typed those messages? Undoubtedly. Just like he was the one that freaked him out the day the Soulidarity app went live, that was him. Or some version of him that this place feels like creating to mess with them all, and that's a much more appealing idea that he wants to latch onto. ]
Like it's talking to you or smth? Idk maybe someone or smth is contacting us and taking control when we least expect it. It's just messed up that they know so much about us. That's the piece I don't get.
Look w/e it is maybe if we talk to each other about it we can figure smth out
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(it's taking hold of him. it's taking him over. it's filling itself into the hollow parts of his body and manoeuvring him around like a doll. it's just like before, only this time there's no pain to tell him when.
jonas sits heavily on the couch and leans forward onto his knees.)
Just like that's not you. It's just not, so let's work off that.
rn though I don't want to talk about it. I want to talk about smth normal for like 5 minutes without being interrupted by smth horrible.
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He wants a straight answer out of somebody, no more avoiding, no more bullshit, no more tasteful dancing around a problem or tasteless outright aversion. No glances away in an effort to pretend something painful hasn't just happened, no theatrical performances of normal.
But. But. He feels in the very fiber of his being that persistent desire to be average, to break from the irrationality of a strange life and a stranger vacation from it just to talk to someone who understands. ]
Okay.
We take 5. We were talking about stuff we were into earlier right?
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(wanting to move on is far easier than actually putting it into practice. the mood has been irrevocably sullied by their shadows, so how are they meant to contend with that? jonas feels as though his heart might stop with how hard it's pounding in his chest. if it doesn't, dry-heaving is still a very real possibility.
it was his demand, which makes him the one responsible for easing them into another topic.)
Do you play any instruments?
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Not well enough that I'd do it here lol
My dad pushed me into piano ig as a kid. Basic. What about you?
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I play ukulele and guitar. ik sometimes ppl say if you play one you'll be at least familiar with the others like electric guitar, bass guitar, etc. but it's actually way harder than that so. Going from ukulele to guitar was so weird.
Did you try to play video game stuff on the piano when you had the chance? Lol
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And nah, video games came later for me. I stuck to myself as a kid so I didn't know anyone who gamed and it wasn't smth that was around. When I finally started I hadn't touched a piano in years.
What made you want to pick up the guitar too?
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My mom wouldn't let me have game systems bc she thought they'd rot my brain or whatever, so she taught me about music instead. Like how to really appreciate it. She taught me ukulele. After that, idk I think I thought guitar would make me popular, hilariously. And it worked, just in weird ways.
I don't regret it and I do really like it, I just wish I hadn't done it to impress ppl. Hobbies should just be for your own enjoyment, like music or sports or video games or..... whatever.
I wonder if there are any here.
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Yeah.
Idk it sounds like a win win. You came out of it thinking a new way and got a hobby you still like. That's cool.
I've seen music shops. And it'd be pretty weird if people didn't play sports, but you could probably get them on board if they didn't. Games idk, I haven't looked. Fsr buying one here would feel off
Idk if that makes sense.
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Also lame: trying to make people play sports with me here. Like your thing w/ the games, it'd feel super weird. It'd be like..... me pretending to be into it the whole time while handling a mental breakdown poorly. Or maybe it wouldn't at all. Maybe it'd be good exercise and a healthy coping mechanism.
Either way, ik what you're saying, I think. If not, then we'll be confused together.
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[ Gladio would never let him hear the end of it. Gladio never lets him hear the end of anything. ]
Here's another question.
If you were gonna name a rabit what would you name it?
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