[ The light of day brings with it clarity, which is perhaps why he so often struggles with any willingness to face it. This particular morning, however, he sees it creeping in beneath his tent, sleep coming to with an irregular patchiness that saw him awake most of the night. Through different hours he's angry, worried, and reflective, and he's not sure what mishmash of the three he's landed on by the time he gets that message. ]
It's better, at least, that any conversation is happening on Jonas's on terms, but he can't help wondering if Cain would've taken the initiative given enough time. Or if that talk will be more or less productive after he let his own frustrations show. ]
No, he's probably hungover too lol I'm actually shocked you're awake I'm glad though Seriously you didn't do anything wrong I literally said I didn't want to die again like in the group chat which is like Wow Jesus I wanted to start the year off right and have kind of like a do over This'll light a fire under my ass to get to it So it's fine I just don't want to pressure him into sticking around or anything if he needs distance
Yeah okay, fair's fair You could've ignored me and come in the tent yk I could've shown you my puke pit
( Desperately playful, but honest, too. He wouldn't have pushed Noctis away, but... he's glad he has friends who obey his boundaries.
Even when they're made in an altered state. )
Noctis man I'm not gonna tell you to fuck off You're as much in this as I am, which wasn't my intention, but I forced you guys to keep talking
I just didn't think we had that kind of relationship is all Like yeah we're friends but we were in a situationship before that I get the feeling we're similar in a way Him and I, I mean Like we both want to have fun and the rest could wait or just happen naturally or whatever idrk tbh
[ Well... maybe to some extent, but that wouldn't help right now. It just sounds like one more unfair burden Jonas really doesn't need on his shoulders when he and Cain have created and maintained their own problems... and some unlikely support and help for each other, too. ]
Look I get it
Well maybe not w/e you guys have going on. And not being able to have a fun and relaxed convo with a guy like that
[ His own joke helps, if only himself and only a little. ]
Just not finding the moment. Or wanting to hold onto the one you've got for a while. I do it too
( Now that their affection for one another has grown, it feels... strange to discuss this with Noctis.
After their embrace, when Noctis cried against him, Jonas touched him in a way that made them dizzy and warm, and things changed somewhat. Now every new interaction feels deliberate, as if they're practicing dialogue before sharing it, or something stupid like that. He just remembers that gaze on him, and the look was one he recognized.
Jesus, what a fucking mess he's making of everything. )
I always planned to, it's just like you said It's simple and he's so easy for me to get along with ik you two have your differences, but he's been crazy sweet to me You both have So I owe him the choice, like I owed you the choice
ik ik the story isn't anyone's business but my own, I get that, but I can't sit on it until we're closer and you guys feel like you can't take a step back That'd be fucked I'm just scared he won't talk to me again But that's my own shit to deal with, not his
Reading that word makes him feel something he can't at first define, stomach churning with what he eventually realizes is some kind of jealousy. Jealousy because that's so far from any word he'd use to describe how Cain treats him? Jealousy because Jonas has managed to find that so quickly and easily in someone else, and he wanted to believe it was unique to them both like it was unique to him? He's not sure.
And right now, maturity and a list of crumpled up resolutions tell him it doesn't matter. ]
Yeah. And fwiw I think you're doing the right thing
But Jonas
Idk him that well, you prob know him way better. You're just too close to this to see it. That's not gonna happen and he's not gonna do that
Noct I think you have a pretty good idea about him Maybe he doesn't open up much, but he says a lot without talking If you think he'll be good, then I trust you I trust you a lot man So Thanks
[ Trust. Now that's weighty, precisely because it means so much. He thinks back to their night together under the stars, how well Jonas had shouldered his trust, and he resolves to be as worthy of it. ]
I trust you too
And I trust that Cain wouldn't be able to find another guy like you to talk to here so you're safe
But yw. It's my job to make sure you're good now right?
[ That twists him up inside for another brutal moment, not caught up in the familiar turns of phrase – "I'll protect you", "I'll guide you", "I'll keep you focused" – but something different. "I want to take care of you." ]
Seem to remember you doing that already, or did you forget?
You lucked out. As far as kings go I'm low maintenance
I won't ever forget that Even if I wind up back there I had to experience all my most important memories between like These long periods of nothing Good and bad You and Cain would be in them now Noctis King, soldier, whatever I've never had friends like you And I don't think I ever will again
So many times I like Got so fucking close to an actual goodbye Just let me say it to your face next time I've never been allowed to say it Even if I don't go anywhere and we like Wind up on the same planet with you I want to know that I've told someone once
[ Noctis has experienced his share of heartache and struggle. Perhaps more than the share most would be allotted in life, especially at such a young age, but through that he's always had a towering singular advantage. No... a privilege. That's what knowing his father was, and that's what knowing his friends now is. His support system.
For Jonas to so easily say he hasn't had a bond as strong as this in his past makes his heart ache, knowing what little he does about what he's endured. And... isn't it the same for Cain? Facing his demons alone, unsupported, and understandably angry. It's enough to convince him to reach out after he's finished talking with Jonas, to try to solidify that tenuous bond between them.
He can't now. Not when this current conversation has him so caught up, rereading a text that convinces him of something he hasn't yet put into words in his mind. ]
( He never got to say goodbye to his mother. He never got to say goodbye to his father. He never got to say goodbye to his stepsister. He never got to say goodbye to himself.
And loop after loop of his life dangled in front of him what he's never been allowed to have.
It's selfish. He knows that. All his life he's done nothing but make his loved ones concerned about him. Angry with him. But he needs it too desperately to stop himself from asking. )
Please, man I'm not gonna go off and get myself killed I promise It's just in case I just want to say it just in case
[ Remembering what he himself shared with Jonas, that memory of his father watching his son leave with only a hint of a smile and nothing else shown in normally expressive eyes, makes those words easier to accept. He knows why it matters, intimately. Jonas can understand that in a way he's not sure anyone else could, and he can understand that instinct in Jonas in return. That's... so, so significant. ]
It's okay
I wasn't gonna say no. Whenever you're ready we can do it
( A breath he was consciously holding to keep him steady is exhaled all at once. An explosive sigh of mild relief.
Finally. )
Thanks Thank you We can both say it, and I won't like ever forget Like only having to do it once ever Then every other time after we can say see you later and stuff I feel like this is good Right? It's the best way of doing it ykwim
[ He repeats it again, as if maybe he can will a tone he means to comfort to come through in his texts. In Jonas's he hears his anxiety, the way he speaks choppily when he's tense to avoid silence. He'd done it the other night too. ]
We'll say it so it's said, and if we wanna say it again later we can. You don't have to make a promise either way
And it wasn't the right audience for it. Hard to talk about that w/o saying where I was at the time
[ The Citadel. A palace, more or less, and one Cain doesn't know about. There are some easy obvious truths to be inferred – Jonas isn't the only one with truths unsaid to other members of their group. ]
I learned about Christmas through the records here, we don't have it. The new year is a big deal tho. Fancy parties, usually at the Citadel or a hotel or smth. This year was better even with the fuck up
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Hey morning, np
You okay?
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Otherwise I don't know really
TBD I guess lol
I sent Cain a message asking to talk so
This'll all be aired out and he can make his own call
I didn't mean to confuse you
Legit I'm sorry about that
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It's better, at least, that any conversation is happening on Jonas's on terms, but he can't help wondering if Cain would've taken the initiative given enough time. Or if that talk will be more or less productive after he let his own frustrations show. ]
Has he responded yet?
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I shouldn't have said anything like that. It's none of my business to talk about
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I'm actually shocked you're awake
I'm glad though
Seriously you didn't do anything wrong
I literally said I didn't want to die again like in the group chat which is like
Wow
Jesus
I wanted to start the year off right and have kind of like a do over
This'll light a fire under my ass to get to it
So it's fine
I just don't want to pressure him into sticking around or anything if he needs distance
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Maybe we can agree neither of us handled it great
[ ... ]
Look you can tell me to fuck off and I'll get it
But why haven't you told him yet? Ik he's not easy to talk to but ig I thought it was different for you guys
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You could've ignored me and come in the tent yk
I could've shown you my puke pit
( Desperately playful, but honest, too. He wouldn't have pushed Noctis away, but... he's glad he has friends who obey his boundaries.
Even when they're made in an altered state. )
Noctis man I'm not gonna tell you to fuck off
You're as much in this as I am, which wasn't my intention, but I forced you guys to keep talking
I just didn't think we had that kind of relationship is all
Like yeah we're friends but we were in a situationship before that
I get the feeling we're similar in a way
Him and I, I mean
Like we both want to have fun and the rest could wait or just happen naturally or whatever
idrk tbh
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[ Well... maybe to some extent, but that wouldn't help right now. It just sounds like one more unfair burden Jonas really doesn't need on his shoulders when he and Cain have created and maintained their own problems... and some unlikely support and help for each other, too. ]
Look I get it
Well maybe not w/e you guys have going on. And not being able to have a fun and relaxed convo with a guy like that
[ His own joke helps, if only himself and only a little. ]
Just not finding the moment. Or wanting to hold onto the one you've got for a while. I do it too
Do you want to tell him?
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After their embrace, when Noctis cried against him, Jonas touched him in a way that made them dizzy and warm, and things changed somewhat. Now every new interaction feels deliberate, as if they're practicing dialogue before sharing it, or something stupid like that. He just remembers that gaze on him, and the look was one he recognized.
Jesus, what a fucking mess he's making of everything. )
I always planned to, it's just like you said
It's simple and he's so easy for me to get along with
ik you two have your differences, but he's been crazy sweet to me
You both have
So I owe him the choice, like I owed you the choice
ik ik the story isn't anyone's business but my own, I get that, but I can't sit on it until we're closer and you guys feel like you can't take a step back
That'd be fucked
I'm just scared he won't talk to me again
But that's my own shit to deal with, not his
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Reading that word makes him feel something he can't at first define, stomach churning with what he eventually realizes is some kind of jealousy. Jealousy because that's so far from any word he'd use to describe how Cain treats him? Jealousy because Jonas has managed to find that so quickly and easily in someone else, and he wanted to believe it was unique to them both like it was unique to him? He's not sure.
And right now, maturity and a list of crumpled up resolutions tell him it doesn't matter. ]
Yeah. And fwiw I think you're doing the right thing
But Jonas
Idk him that well, you prob know him way better. You're just too close to this to see it. That's not gonna happen and he's not gonna do that
I guarantee it
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Maybe he doesn't open up much, but he says a lot without talking
If you think he'll be good, then I trust you
I trust you a lot man
So
Thanks
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I trust you too
And I trust that Cain wouldn't be able to find another guy like you to talk to here so you're safe
But yw. It's my job to make sure you're good now right?
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Noctis.
His jaw aches with the desire to kiss him. Anywhere, for any amount of time. It dries his throat, makes his fingers clench.
Fuck, he just wanted to know them.
Blinking hard, face flushed with the pronounced effort of denying himself, Jonas denies Noctis.
It's friendly affection when allowed to grow unchecked. This is what having someone to rely on feels like. )
Yeah ig it is
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Mine too
I want to take care of you too
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Seem to remember you doing that already, or did you forget?
You lucked out. As far as kings go I'm low maintenance
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Even if I wind up back there
I had to experience all my most important memories between like
These long periods of nothing
Good and bad
You and Cain would be in them now Noctis
King, soldier, whatever
I've never had friends like you
And I don't think I ever will again
So many times I like
Got so fucking close to an actual goodbye
Just let me say it to your face next time
I've never been allowed to say it
Even if I don't go anywhere and we like
Wind up on the same planet with you
I want to know that I've told someone once
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For Jonas to so easily say he hasn't had a bond as strong as this in his past makes his heart ache, knowing what little he does about what he's endured. And... isn't it the same for Cain? Facing his demons alone, unsupported, and understandably angry. It's enough to convince him to reach out after he's finished talking with Jonas, to try to solidify that tenuous bond between them.
He can't now. Not when this current conversation has him so caught up, rereading a text that convinces him of something he hasn't yet put into words in his mind. ]
That's a big thing to ask me for Jonas
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And loop after loop of his life dangled in front of him what he's never been allowed to have.
It's selfish. He knows that. All his life he's done nothing but make his loved ones concerned about him. Angry with him. But he needs it too desperately to stop himself from asking. )
Please, man
I'm not gonna go off and get myself killed
I promise
It's just in case
I just want to say it just in case
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It's okay
I wasn't gonna say no. Whenever you're ready we can do it
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Finally. )
Thanks
Thank you
We can both say it, and I won't like ever forget
Like only having to do it once ever
Then every other time after we can say see you later and stuff
I feel like this is good
Right?
It's the best way of doing it
ykwim
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[ He repeats it again, as if maybe he can will a tone he means to comfort to come through in his texts. In Jonas's he hears his anxiety, the way he speaks choppily when he's tense to avoid silence. He'd done it the other night too. ]
We'll say it so it's said, and if we wanna say it again later we can. You don't have to make a promise either way
Deal?
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That sounds good thanks man
Are you doing okay?
Like with everything going on
I just feel like we didn't talk after we were failing miserably at stargazing
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Idk things were going pretty well until that convo last night. Ig most of it wasn't a wash tho, I got to learn about your drunken parties
And Cain's holiday arena or w/e
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Dick measuring contests apparently
We didn't get to hear about yours too much
Like did you celebrate year end holidays or stuff like Christmas?
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And it wasn't the right audience for it. Hard to talk about that w/o saying where I was at the time
[ The Citadel. A palace, more or less, and one Cain doesn't know about. There are some easy obvious truths to be inferred – Jonas isn't the only one with truths unsaid to other members of their group. ]
I learned about Christmas through the records here, we don't have it. The new year is a big deal tho. Fancy parties, usually at the Citadel or a hotel or smth. This year was better even with the fuck up
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sorry...
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now I'm sorry...
🤬
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