[ One of them has always been better at being open than the other, huh. He can't spend much time worrying about Jonas's feelings, however, when that last question sticks in his throat. ]
What's that supposed to mean?
[ "Which apology" would be a better question, considering that Jonas apologized for more than one thing in that conversation. But now he's thrown off-kilter. ]
[ They've barely just started talking, with what started neutral, before the tone violently shifts so hard he's convinced he read it wrong. And all at once he's sat up straight, alert. ]
You and Cain were flirting on his post Same exact thing you got mad at me for Now I'm getting mad at you because not only is that not fair, it made me think I was insane for like a solid week
I don't actually care if you guys are into each other or what, happy for you, but don't come to me pissed I'm flirting when you're literally doing the same thing like pretending I won't notice or something Yeah I'm a piece of shit but we're even now so maybe don't come at me with anything else
No wonder you thought what I said was some kind of gotcha, bc apparently that's how your head works when you get pissed. Thanks for asking how I'm doing, yw for asking back. Wtf do you even think I said to him?
I'm not bullshitting you when I say I literally don't know what the fuck you're talking about, so try again
Oh yeah actually you're super right Maybe I was totally alone in my bad-faith reading of a situation I know nothing about
You were outright flirting with him man and he was flirting hard back Go back and reread it yourself, I don't have to constantly wait around for you two to realize things I'm telling you to your face
Bc all I remember is talking to my friend. Sure I'll read it but when you wanna actually tell me smth specific I'm here. Like that I wanted to take him to dinner? Or buy him drinks?
Yeah I don't actually have to is the thing If that's what friendship looks like in Eos then we have a huge miscommunication on our hands, but you knew enough to spot it before and after Cain and I "split" despite us never being together in the first place
Can you just tell me straight if you're into him I really don't have time to investigate more and I'm not talking to Cain right now So it'd be awesome and I'd appreciate it because I told you honestly what was up with me and then I got shat on by both of you It's fucking with me
You wanna message me, lay into me, give ME shit while refusing to tell me wtf I even said/did that has you heated, accuse me of being a dick about what was going on with you which isn't even true, and then you want me to answer all your questions?
I got pissed bc you asked me if you were my second pick, and you weren't. Don't confuse w/e fucked up convo you had with him with what we talked about, bc he decided to come interrogate me after and try to make that my issue too
I literally just told you what you did?????? Why do I have to prove anything to either of you? Why can't you just trust what I say like I've been trusting you? I apologized and everything and like basically admitting to everyone I'm a piece of trash with invalid feelings Neither of you accepted when I said I was sorry at all and I get called like every name in the book I'm done
You wanna know what you said? Yeah you wanted to have dinner and drinks with him And you were calling each other nicknames in his language and teasing each other and sending each other eggplants or whatever the hell Why don't you point out where what I was talking about with Cain was so much different from what you were? Or what was even worse about it?? Like in a way that doesn't make you both sound like hypocrites
Why do I have to be blamed all my fucking life for other people's shit? All I wanted was to be loved by somebody finally and so I messed up and spread myself thin Yeah whatever I did that lmfao I sure regret it now What else do you want to hear? All of my feelings are nothing and my oopinion is nothing and I'm just a raving fucking lunatic
[ That torrent of messages, Jonas snapping at him, immediately sends his own frustrations to a ten. Numerous words are typed, all deleted, before he stands and commits himself to a steady pace around his tent. It doesn't help; the ball of tension and sense of injustice stays lodged in his chest, words repeating over and over in his mind. Would this be easier if he could see him?
Then he could grab his hand, at least, and care for Jonas would overwhelm his anger enough that he wouldn't give into the urge to just squeeze it until he stopped saying things to make him more defensive. Fuck.
He doesn't want this. Neither of them want this. Why are they doing this? What the fuck was so bad about sending a few nicknames, something they did in their group chat together? He doesn't say anything to Jonas as he suddenly returns to his phone, hurriedly looking up that thread with Cain to search it for what Jonas sees. There's jokes, there's affection, there's chemistry. Nothing blatant like the drinks and dinner between Cain and Jonas. But everything else. Subtext. He's scrubbing for details like he's on trial and this is evidence instead of being willing to grasp what the larger issue is here. ]
I'm not going into how none of what you just said about yourself is how I feel, you should know that already bc I've told you.
So what do you actually want rn? Me to accept your apology? Bc I was never not going to. Me to apologize to you for what you read? Sorry but I'm not into him like that
Stop lumping me in with him and putting words in my mouth or I'm gonna end this convo, I'm fucking serious. I'm trying to calm down
It's a lie. He knows it's a lie. They're both lying to him, and it feels terrible—more than he thought it would. This is going to exist as a splinter in his heel, hobbling him for so long he's not sure he'll ever get over it.
He's done everything that's been asked of him by them. And still, still, whatever forgiveness Noctis says he was always going to give him, feels so distant he's tearing up again.
What does he do? How is he supposed to fix this when he's still an open wound? )
[ When did this become so complicated? After Cain kissed him?
Before that their relationship was a storm and Jonas was a port, battles appreciated by Noctis who doesn't exclude some show of conflict from affection, but always in flux. They misunderstood each other while both finding common ground in Jonas, and it would've seemed impossible to him then to imagine a world in which his almost-boyfriend felt like the third wheel. But he spoke about them the same way Cain spoke to him about himself and Jonas, both sure that Noctis had a deeper or somehow uniquely significant bond with the other that they didn't share.
Deeper? No.
Uniquely significant? Yes, maybe so. There are things Cain has innately understood about him and things Jonas has never even needed to question, and both felt right. But now... now he is questioning. Questioning, and outright denying. And Noctis feels more numb when he scrolls through messages, reading and rereading like he doesn't remember how it felt sending each one. Or how it felt kissing each of them. Pure anger. Pure safety. Both intense and impossible to forget.
The addendum comes later after a lengthy stare at a blinking cursor, feeling as confused as he does disappointed and disgusted with himself. ]
( It's not a victory because he wasn't trying to win, but it feels hollow nonetheless. He wanted the truth and he got it... All it means is that they know less than they did, and now they have to face that, too.
Jonas frowns, casting a glance outside of his tent through one of the rolled flaps acting as a window. Pretty quiet, save the excited stories being told; the caravanners—including Yazat, who he's been spending more time with recently—are eager to find the temple. He's not. His mind's been on his boys, how disappointed he is in how they've conducted themselves, how distant he's felt from them.
He wants to rush to a conclusion. It wouldn't be healthy, however. It wouldn't be the mature thing to do. )
Thank you For even just admitting you don't know I'm sorry I'm pushing ik I'm pushing I just really needed to hear that I've been feeling totally insane and I'm sure you have too during all this it's just like God idk I fucked up in a big way with both of you ik I keep lumping you two together but it just involves both of you idk how to separate them in my head
[ Emotions don't immediately turn off as much as he'd love them to upon reading those words, hackles at least lowering ever-so-slightly even if there's a pit in his stomach formed from anger and fresh self-loathing. And confusion. ]
Idk what to say. Sounds like we both fucked up
[ He felt more assured after his conversation with Cain, even if he still didn't know what to do with their situation then. All he knew was that someone else's flaws were on display for him, and it was a lot easier to see them and call them out than it was to look at his own. Now he's starting to feel insane. ]
I'm not ignoring your apology, I'm just still pissed. [ Right now, honesty feels like the best policy. ]
I need to figure this shit out. Idk how but I've gotta do something. Cain was an asshole, you were an asshole, I was an asshole. Great where does that get us
You don't have to do it alone man, like just isolating ourselves and trying to dwi separately clearly isn't working Cain wants nothing to do with me, that's all ik I'm sorry I flirted with him in front of you You don't have to answer rn I just need you to know that I regret it a lot especially when we had this understanding yk? I wanted this to be really nice for you and like be that super nice memory you were happy to have later
( It all stings. Jonas' anger sputters while Noctis' persists, and he feels cold instead, though that could simply be the inside of his tent.
Desperate to keep a dialogue going, he rushes into the next few texts. )
Do you want me to go? If you do then can we talk soon? Maybe in person or like if you don't want to see me then maybe a call or something like that I won't pop off again I promise I've always had a temper and I'm trying to chill out, I really am trying hard here
( He wants to hear his voice. He wants to hold him again. The loneliness feels oppressive in a way he's never experienced before; he's anxious but apathetic all at once. )
That feels like a kick in the gut and while it pours ice water on his anger towards Jonas, it amplifies it towards this situation. It's... fucking unfair. Coming to terms with any of this was hard enough. Now it's fucked, isn't it?
After they all worked on their relationships with each other so carefully, and after he discovered both men to be thoughtful, funny, and caring in their own ways. ]
I know, it's not that. And I don't want you to go
It's just I haven't heard from him either. After you guys talked he came to me, and I laid into him pretty hard. Since then it's been quiet, for all three of us it sounds like
( Both grief and relief come from learning Noctis is as lonely as he is. He wanted that to be true, but he also wanted Noctis to be thriving. It's such a complex knot of emotions and opinions that he doesn't know where to begin to untangle.
Maybe he should practice by feeling them first. Letting them come to him, hurt him, soothe him, or whatever the fuck they're going to do. )
I'm js even if we're like Even if things are up in the air yk that if you needed me or whatever I'd be right there man Like we don't even have to talk, but if you're feeling some kind of way and want to sleep or train or anything like that I'd come too and just be around Texting or playing phone games or just chilling like No expectations, just company yk? No pressure I just don't want you to think this won't ever be better or something It's gonna be it's just confusing rn
Are you okay? Like with Cain I didn't realize you guys talked so
Just bc things are w/e they are rn doesn't mean anything I said is different either. There's still a place for you back home, we're still friends, I'm still not letting anything happen to you
[ But in what capacity, now? As just friends? As more? He had to stare Jonas's feelings for Cain in the face and realize how little he truly wanted to compete. Now, with Jonas's help, he's being forced to realize one of the main reasons why. A crush, one born of a necessary outlet for aggression and out of chemistry, but which has mutated with the passage of time and intentional efforts at understanding. No wonder Jonas couldn't point out a single line. The entire way he speaks to Cain has changed, and that new awareness has him again standing and giving himself distance from inactivity. That phone stays locked in his hand this time, however, as his chest tightens. ]
It's okay I'm not mad really, ik you're not used to this kind of thing Cain and I knew what we were doing and I just like idk I can't handle how I feel about either of you and it's messing with me
( Being willing to meet him halfway, Noctis has proven yet again that he's a reliable friend and partner, and Jonas loves him for it. Things still sting, which reminds him of his argument with Cain, the lack of reconciliation there, yet the desperation of wanting be near them both.
Fuck.
Fuck. )
Just I'm sorry too For everything Noctis You mean a lot to me, everything you're saying does
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Could be better
The past couple days went by pretty slow. "Thoughts on the whole thing" is pretty broad tho
How are YOU feeling
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Pretty garbage
Did you get a chance to consider my apology at all?
Come up with your own maybe?
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What's that supposed to mean?
[ "Which apology" would be a better question, considering that Jonas apologized for more than one thing in that conversation. But now he's thrown off-kilter. ]
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I read that whole post
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Jonas wtf are you talking about
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Same exact thing you got mad at me for
Now I'm getting mad at you because not only is that not fair, it made me think I was insane for like a solid week
I don't actually care if you guys are into each other or what, happy for you, but don't come to me pissed I'm flirting when you're literally doing the same thing like pretending I won't notice or something
Yeah I'm a piece of shit but we're even now so maybe don't come at me with anything else
Anyway lol that's all I had to say so
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No wonder you thought what I said was some kind of gotcha, bc apparently that's how your head works when you get pissed. Thanks for asking how I'm doing, yw for asking back. Wtf do you even think I said to him?
I'm not bullshitting you when I say I literally don't know what the fuck you're talking about, so try again
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Maybe I was totally alone in my bad-faith reading of a situation I know nothing about
You were outright flirting with him man and he was flirting hard back
Go back and reread it yourself, I don't have to constantly wait around for you two to realize things I'm telling you to your face
You two were made for each other
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Bc all I remember is talking to my friend. Sure I'll read it but when you wanna actually tell me smth specific I'm here. Like that I wanted to take him to dinner? Or buy him drinks?
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If that's what friendship looks like in Eos then we have a huge miscommunication on our hands, but you knew enough to spot it before and after Cain and I "split" despite us never being together in the first place
Can you just tell me straight if you're into him
I really don't have time to investigate more and I'm not talking to Cain right now
So it'd be awesome and I'd appreciate it because I told you honestly what was up with me and then I got shat on by both of you
It's fucking with me
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You wanna message me, lay into me, give ME shit while refusing to tell me wtf I even said/did that has you heated, accuse me of being a dick about what was going on with you which isn't even true, and then you want me to answer all your questions?
I got pissed bc you asked me if you were my second pick, and you weren't. Don't confuse w/e fucked up convo you had with him with what we talked about, bc he decided to come interrogate me after and try to make that my issue too
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Why do I have to prove anything to either of you?
Why can't you just trust what I say like I've been trusting you?
I apologized and everything and like basically admitting to everyone I'm a piece of trash with invalid feelings
Neither of you accepted when I said I was sorry at all and I get called like every name in the book
I'm done
You wanna know what you said?
Yeah you wanted to have dinner and drinks with him
And you were calling each other nicknames in his language and teasing each other and sending each other eggplants or whatever the hell
Why don't you point out where what I was talking about with Cain was so much different from what you were?
Or what was even worse about it??
Like in a way that doesn't make you both sound like hypocrites
2/2
All I wanted was to be loved by somebody finally and so I messed up and spread myself thin
Yeah whatever I did that lmfao I sure regret it now
What else do you want to hear?
All of my feelings are nothing and my oopinion is nothing and I'm just a raving fucking lunatic
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Then he could grab his hand, at least, and care for Jonas would overwhelm his anger enough that he wouldn't give into the urge to just squeeze it until he stopped saying things to make him more defensive. Fuck.
He doesn't want this. Neither of them want this. Why are they doing this? What the fuck was so bad about sending a few nicknames, something they did in their group chat together? He doesn't say anything to Jonas as he suddenly returns to his phone, hurriedly looking up that thread with Cain to search it for what Jonas sees. There's jokes, there's affection, there's chemistry. Nothing blatant like the drinks and dinner between Cain and Jonas. But everything else. Subtext. He's scrubbing for details like he's on trial and this is evidence instead of being willing to grasp what the larger issue is here. ]
2/2
So what do you actually want rn? Me to accept your apology? Bc I was never not going to. Me to apologize to you for what you read? Sorry but I'm not into him like that
Stop lumping me in with him and putting words in my mouth or I'm gonna end this convo, I'm fucking serious. I'm trying to calm down
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It's a lie. He knows it's a lie. They're both lying to him, and it feels terrible—more than he thought it would. This is going to exist as a splinter in his heel, hobbling him for so long he's not sure he'll ever get over it.
He's done everything that's been asked of him by them. And still, still, whatever forgiveness Noctis says he was always going to give him, feels so distant he's tearing up again.
What does he do? How is he supposed to fix this when he's still an open wound? )
I don't believe you
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Before that their relationship was a storm and Jonas was a port, battles appreciated by Noctis who doesn't exclude some show of conflict from affection, but always in flux. They misunderstood each other while both finding common ground in Jonas, and it would've seemed impossible to him then to imagine a world in which his almost-boyfriend felt like the third wheel. But he spoke about them the same way Cain spoke to him about himself and Jonas, both sure that Noctis had a deeper or somehow uniquely significant bond with the other that they didn't share.
Deeper? No.
Uniquely significant? Yes, maybe so. There are things Cain has innately understood about him and things Jonas has never even needed to question, and both felt right. But now... now he is questioning. Questioning, and outright denying. And Noctis feels more numb when he scrolls through messages, reading and rereading like he doesn't remember how it felt sending each one. Or how it felt kissing each of them. Pure anger. Pure safety. Both intense and impossible to forget.
The addendum comes later after a lengthy stare at a blinking cursor, feeling as confused as he does disappointed and disgusted with himself. ]
I don't know
1/2
Jonas frowns, casting a glance outside of his tent through one of the rolled flaps acting as a window. Pretty quiet, save the excited stories being told; the caravanners—including Yazat, who he's been spending more time with recently—are eager to find the temple. He's not. His mind's been on his boys, how disappointed he is in how they've conducted themselves, how distant he's felt from them.
He wants to rush to a conclusion. It wouldn't be healthy, however. It wouldn't be the mature thing to do. )
Thank you
For even just admitting you don't know
I'm sorry I'm pushing ik I'm pushing I just really needed to hear that
I've been feeling totally insane and I'm sure you have too during all this it's just like
God idk
I fucked up in a big way with both of you
ik I keep lumping you two together but it just involves both of you idk how to separate them in my head
2/2
I was supposed to be apologizing and working through this with you not making it worse
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Idk what to say. Sounds like we both fucked up
[ He felt more assured after his conversation with Cain, even if he still didn't know what to do with their situation then. All he knew was that someone else's flaws were on display for him, and it was a lot easier to see them and call them out than it was to look at his own. Now he's starting to feel insane. ]
I'm not ignoring your apology, I'm just still pissed. [ Right now, honesty feels like the best policy. ]
I need to figure this shit out. Idk how but I've gotta do something. Cain was an asshole, you were an asshole, I was an asshole. Great where does that get us
I need to think
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Cain wants nothing to do with me, that's all ik
I'm sorry I flirted with him in front of you
You don't have to answer rn I just need you to know that I regret it a lot especially when we had this understanding yk?
I wanted this to be really nice for you and like be that super nice memory you were happy to have later
( It all stings. Jonas' anger sputters while Noctis' persists, and he feels cold instead, though that could simply be the inside of his tent.
Desperate to keep a dialogue going, he rushes into the next few texts. )
Do you want me to go?
If you do then can we talk soon?
Maybe in person or like if you don't want to see me then maybe a call or something like that
I won't pop off again I promise
I've always had a temper and I'm trying to chill out, I really am trying hard here
( He wants to hear his voice. He wants to hold him again. The loneliness feels oppressive in a way he's never experienced before; he's anxious but apathetic all at once. )
no subject
That feels like a kick in the gut and while it pours ice water on his anger towards Jonas, it amplifies it towards this situation. It's... fucking unfair. Coming to terms with any of this was hard enough. Now it's fucked, isn't it?
After they all worked on their relationships with each other so carefully, and after he discovered both men to be thoughtful, funny, and caring in their own ways. ]
I know, it's not that. And I don't want you to go
It's just I haven't heard from him either. After you guys talked he came to me, and I laid into him pretty hard. Since then it's been quiet, for all three of us it sounds like
Makes me wanna sleep more. Or hit smth
no subject
Maybe he should practice by feeling them first. Letting them come to him, hurt him, soothe him, or whatever the fuck they're going to do. )
I'm js even if we're like
Even if things are up in the air yk that if you needed me or whatever I'd be right there man
Like we don't even have to talk, but if you're feeling some kind of way and want to sleep or train or anything like that
I'd come too and just be around
Texting or playing phone games or just chilling like
No expectations, just company yk?
No pressure I just don't want you to think this won't ever be better or something
It's gonna be it's just confusing rn
Are you okay?
Like with Cain
I didn't realize you guys talked so
no subject
Just bc things are w/e they are rn doesn't mean anything I said is different either. There's still a place for you back home, we're still friends, I'm still not letting anything happen to you
[ But in what capacity, now? As just friends? As more? He had to stare Jonas's feelings for Cain in the face and realize how little he truly wanted to compete. Now, with Jonas's help, he's being forced to realize one of the main reasons why. A crush, one born of a necessary outlet for aggression and out of chemistry, but which has mutated with the passage of time and intentional efforts at understanding. No wonder Jonas couldn't point out a single line. The entire way he speaks to Cain has changed, and that new awareness has him again standing and giving himself distance from inactivity. That phone stays locked in his hand this time, however, as his chest tightens. ]
I'm sorry
I didn't even fucking see it
[ That question, for now, is ignored. ]
no subject
I'm not mad really, ik you're not used to this kind of thing
Cain and I knew what we were doing and I just like
idk
I can't handle how I feel about either of you and it's messing with me
( Being willing to meet him halfway, Noctis has proven yet again that he's a reliable friend and partner, and Jonas loves him for it. Things still sting, which reminds him of his argument with Cain, the lack of reconciliation there, yet the desperation of wanting be near them both.
Fuck.
Fuck. )
Just I'm sorry too
For everything Noctis
You mean a lot to me, everything you're saying does
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