You don't have to do it alone man, like just isolating ourselves and trying to dwi separately clearly isn't working Cain wants nothing to do with me, that's all ik I'm sorry I flirted with him in front of you You don't have to answer rn I just need you to know that I regret it a lot especially when we had this understanding yk? I wanted this to be really nice for you and like be that super nice memory you were happy to have later
( It all stings. Jonas' anger sputters while Noctis' persists, and he feels cold instead, though that could simply be the inside of his tent.
Desperate to keep a dialogue going, he rushes into the next few texts. )
Do you want me to go? If you do then can we talk soon? Maybe in person or like if you don't want to see me then maybe a call or something like that I won't pop off again I promise I've always had a temper and I'm trying to chill out, I really am trying hard here
( He wants to hear his voice. He wants to hold him again. The loneliness feels oppressive in a way he's never experienced before; he's anxious but apathetic all at once. )
That feels like a kick in the gut and while it pours ice water on his anger towards Jonas, it amplifies it towards this situation. It's... fucking unfair. Coming to terms with any of this was hard enough. Now it's fucked, isn't it?
After they all worked on their relationships with each other so carefully, and after he discovered both men to be thoughtful, funny, and caring in their own ways. ]
I know, it's not that. And I don't want you to go
It's just I haven't heard from him either. After you guys talked he came to me, and I laid into him pretty hard. Since then it's been quiet, for all three of us it sounds like
( Both grief and relief come from learning Noctis is as lonely as he is. He wanted that to be true, but he also wanted Noctis to be thriving. It's such a complex knot of emotions and opinions that he doesn't know where to begin to untangle.
Maybe he should practice by feeling them first. Letting them come to him, hurt him, soothe him, or whatever the fuck they're going to do. )
I'm js even if we're like Even if things are up in the air yk that if you needed me or whatever I'd be right there man Like we don't even have to talk, but if you're feeling some kind of way and want to sleep or train or anything like that I'd come too and just be around Texting or playing phone games or just chilling like No expectations, just company yk? No pressure I just don't want you to think this won't ever be better or something It's gonna be it's just confusing rn
Are you okay? Like with Cain I didn't realize you guys talked so
Just bc things are w/e they are rn doesn't mean anything I said is different either. There's still a place for you back home, we're still friends, I'm still not letting anything happen to you
[ But in what capacity, now? As just friends? As more? He had to stare Jonas's feelings for Cain in the face and realize how little he truly wanted to compete. Now, with Jonas's help, he's being forced to realize one of the main reasons why. A crush, one born of a necessary outlet for aggression and out of chemistry, but which has mutated with the passage of time and intentional efforts at understanding. No wonder Jonas couldn't point out a single line. The entire way he speaks to Cain has changed, and that new awareness has him again standing and giving himself distance from inactivity. That phone stays locked in his hand this time, however, as his chest tightens. ]
It's okay I'm not mad really, ik you're not used to this kind of thing Cain and I knew what we were doing and I just like idk I can't handle how I feel about either of you and it's messing with me
( Being willing to meet him halfway, Noctis has proven yet again that he's a reliable friend and partner, and Jonas loves him for it. Things still sting, which reminds him of his argument with Cain, the lack of reconciliation there, yet the desperation of wanting be near them both.
Fuck.
Fuck. )
Just I'm sorry too For everything Noctis You mean a lot to me, everything you're saying does
[ What else can he say? One word feels insufficient, but it's better than picking the wrong ones and trying to pretend like this is anything less than equally overwhelming to him right now. He doesn't want to lay more on Jonas. But he doesn't want to lie to him either. ]
I don't know how this gets fixed. But ik it ends with us still being friends. So give me some time to fill in the rest okay
I told you I gave him shit bc I did. But I thought we were okay still. Idk he hasn't talked to me since it happened so maybe I was wrong
Well, at least there's that, he thinks. Not best friends, not in Noctis' estimation, because his best friends are back on Eos. So, good friends, maybe.
( Bowing his head over his phone, he tightly clutches it. His last connection to Earth and the life he used to lead. Files in megabytes and kilobytes of pictures formed by pixels on a six-point-four-inch screen, measured diagonally.
It's all dust compared to the scope of everything, but to him, it feels like the entire universe. )
I don't want to be just friends I want to be your boyfriend
[ He knows. And yet reading it stated so simply and openly like that still feels almost physically painful. His chest is tight with a strange mixture of emotions, gratified and excited to hear that from him still but regretful, anguished over the complications that make it impossible for him to just say yes, me too, where are you, I need to see you. ]
You don't know what that means to me. I'm serious
I said I need time with this. Before I can say anything else. Is that okay?
[ As much as he may not want to. Every burden feels unmanageable on his shoulders, but it's intolerable on anyone else's. Anger finds its easiest target in the closest people, and who's closer than yourself? ]
But none of this has been easy. Idk maybe it isn't supposed to be yet
I just know I'm not leaving you until you tell me to go. Even then I'm not making promises. Not when you say stuff like that
When Jonas says it he can almost believe it. Loving others has always been easier than loving himself, and based on how his friend speaks he senses he feels the same way. So how precious is it that he can see a reflection of his own good qualities in Jonas's eyes when he's speaking to him so sincerely? It makes him want to do better. Not just self-deprecate now when he feels he's betrayed him somehow with his own emotions.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Cain wants nothing to do with me, that's all ik
I'm sorry I flirted with him in front of you
You don't have to answer rn I just need you to know that I regret it a lot especially when we had this understanding yk?
I wanted this to be really nice for you and like be that super nice memory you were happy to have later
( It all stings. Jonas' anger sputters while Noctis' persists, and he feels cold instead, though that could simply be the inside of his tent.
Desperate to keep a dialogue going, he rushes into the next few texts. )
Do you want me to go?
If you do then can we talk soon?
Maybe in person or like if you don't want to see me then maybe a call or something like that
I won't pop off again I promise
I've always had a temper and I'm trying to chill out, I really am trying hard here
( He wants to hear his voice. He wants to hold him again. The loneliness feels oppressive in a way he's never experienced before; he's anxious but apathetic all at once. )
no subject
That feels like a kick in the gut and while it pours ice water on his anger towards Jonas, it amplifies it towards this situation. It's... fucking unfair. Coming to terms with any of this was hard enough. Now it's fucked, isn't it?
After they all worked on their relationships with each other so carefully, and after he discovered both men to be thoughtful, funny, and caring in their own ways. ]
I know, it's not that. And I don't want you to go
It's just I haven't heard from him either. After you guys talked he came to me, and I laid into him pretty hard. Since then it's been quiet, for all three of us it sounds like
Makes me wanna sleep more. Or hit smth
no subject
Maybe he should practice by feeling them first. Letting them come to him, hurt him, soothe him, or whatever the fuck they're going to do. )
I'm js even if we're like
Even if things are up in the air yk that if you needed me or whatever I'd be right there man
Like we don't even have to talk, but if you're feeling some kind of way and want to sleep or train or anything like that
I'd come too and just be around
Texting or playing phone games or just chilling like
No expectations, just company yk?
No pressure I just don't want you to think this won't ever be better or something
It's gonna be it's just confusing rn
Are you okay?
Like with Cain
I didn't realize you guys talked so
no subject
Just bc things are w/e they are rn doesn't mean anything I said is different either. There's still a place for you back home, we're still friends, I'm still not letting anything happen to you
[ But in what capacity, now? As just friends? As more? He had to stare Jonas's feelings for Cain in the face and realize how little he truly wanted to compete. Now, with Jonas's help, he's being forced to realize one of the main reasons why. A crush, one born of a necessary outlet for aggression and out of chemistry, but which has mutated with the passage of time and intentional efforts at understanding. No wonder Jonas couldn't point out a single line. The entire way he speaks to Cain has changed, and that new awareness has him again standing and giving himself distance from inactivity. That phone stays locked in his hand this time, however, as his chest tightens. ]
I'm sorry
I didn't even fucking see it
[ That question, for now, is ignored. ]
no subject
I'm not mad really, ik you're not used to this kind of thing
Cain and I knew what we were doing and I just like
idk
I can't handle how I feel about either of you and it's messing with me
( Being willing to meet him halfway, Noctis has proven yet again that he's a reliable friend and partner, and Jonas loves him for it. Things still sting, which reminds him of his argument with Cain, the lack of reconciliation there, yet the desperation of wanting be near them both.
Fuck.
Fuck. )
Just I'm sorry too
For everything Noctis
You mean a lot to me, everything you're saying does
no subject
[ What else can he say? One word feels insufficient, but it's better than picking the wrong ones and trying to pretend like this is anything less than equally overwhelming to him right now. He doesn't want to lay more on Jonas. But he doesn't want to lie to him either. ]
I don't know how this gets fixed. But ik it ends with us still being friends. So give me some time to fill in the rest okay
I told you I gave him shit bc I did. But I thought we were okay still. Idk he hasn't talked to me since it happened so maybe I was wrong
1/2
Well, at least there's that, he thinks. Not best friends, not in Noctis' estimation, because his best friends are back on Eos. So, good friends, maybe.
Except Jonas is only ever rarely "good."
Friends, then.
Just friends. )
2/2
It's all dust compared to the scope of everything, but to him, it feels like the entire universe. )
I don't want to be just friends
I want to be your boyfriend
no subject
You don't know what that means to me. I'm serious
I said I need time with this. Before I can say anything else. Is that okay?
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Like it's just a lot to decide by yourself so
idk if you think of anything you wanna talk about just lmk okay
Sorry I made this so difficult
no subject
[ Having complex feelings for two people. Entertaining both while trying to commit to one. How is he such an idiot? At least Jonas could see it. ]
Things won't stay as quiet between us this time, deal?
1/2
I'd prefer it ig
But yeah
Deal
no subject
idk I'll accept anything but us ghosting each other
I won't ever do that
no subject
[ As much as he may not want to. Every burden feels unmanageable on his shoulders, but it's intolerable on anyone else's. Anger finds its easiest target in the closest people, and who's closer than yourself? ]
But none of this has been easy. Idk maybe it isn't supposed to be yet
I just know I'm not leaving you until you tell me to go. Even then I'm not making promises. Not when you say stuff like that
no subject
Like things I've never heard anybody say before
Maybe it's bc you're crazy or just the nicest person I've ever met
Take whatever time you need
I'll be here
🎀
When Jonas says it he can almost believe it. Loving others has always been easier than loving himself, and based on how his friend speaks he senses he feels the same way. So how precious is it that he can see a reflection of his own good qualities in Jonas's eyes when he's speaking to him so sincerely? It makes him want to do better. Not just self-deprecate now when he feels he's betrayed him somehow with his own emotions.
He has to fix this. ]
Thanks. I mean it.
It won't be long.