Why do I have to be blamed all my fucking life for other people's shit? All I wanted was to be loved by somebody finally and so I messed up and spread myself thin Yeah whatever I did that lmfao I sure regret it now What else do you want to hear? All of my feelings are nothing and my oopinion is nothing and I'm just a raving fucking lunatic
[ That torrent of messages, Jonas snapping at him, immediately sends his own frustrations to a ten. Numerous words are typed, all deleted, before he stands and commits himself to a steady pace around his tent. It doesn't help; the ball of tension and sense of injustice stays lodged in his chest, words repeating over and over in his mind. Would this be easier if he could see him?
Then he could grab his hand, at least, and care for Jonas would overwhelm his anger enough that he wouldn't give into the urge to just squeeze it until he stopped saying things to make him more defensive. Fuck.
He doesn't want this. Neither of them want this. Why are they doing this? What the fuck was so bad about sending a few nicknames, something they did in their group chat together? He doesn't say anything to Jonas as he suddenly returns to his phone, hurriedly looking up that thread with Cain to search it for what Jonas sees. There's jokes, there's affection, there's chemistry. Nothing blatant like the drinks and dinner between Cain and Jonas. But everything else. Subtext. He's scrubbing for details like he's on trial and this is evidence instead of being willing to grasp what the larger issue is here. ]
I'm not going into how none of what you just said about yourself is how I feel, you should know that already bc I've told you.
So what do you actually want rn? Me to accept your apology? Bc I was never not going to. Me to apologize to you for what you read? Sorry but I'm not into him like that
Stop lumping me in with him and putting words in my mouth or I'm gonna end this convo, I'm fucking serious. I'm trying to calm down
It's a lie. He knows it's a lie. They're both lying to him, and it feels terrible—more than he thought it would. This is going to exist as a splinter in his heel, hobbling him for so long he's not sure he'll ever get over it.
He's done everything that's been asked of him by them. And still, still, whatever forgiveness Noctis says he was always going to give him, feels so distant he's tearing up again.
What does he do? How is he supposed to fix this when he's still an open wound? )
[ When did this become so complicated? After Cain kissed him?
Before that their relationship was a storm and Jonas was a port, battles appreciated by Noctis who doesn't exclude some show of conflict from affection, but always in flux. They misunderstood each other while both finding common ground in Jonas, and it would've seemed impossible to him then to imagine a world in which his almost-boyfriend felt like the third wheel. But he spoke about them the same way Cain spoke to him about himself and Jonas, both sure that Noctis had a deeper or somehow uniquely significant bond with the other that they didn't share.
Deeper? No.
Uniquely significant? Yes, maybe so. There are things Cain has innately understood about him and things Jonas has never even needed to question, and both felt right. But now... now he is questioning. Questioning, and outright denying. And Noctis feels more numb when he scrolls through messages, reading and rereading like he doesn't remember how it felt sending each one. Or how it felt kissing each of them. Pure anger. Pure safety. Both intense and impossible to forget.
The addendum comes later after a lengthy stare at a blinking cursor, feeling as confused as he does disappointed and disgusted with himself. ]
( It's not a victory because he wasn't trying to win, but it feels hollow nonetheless. He wanted the truth and he got it... All it means is that they know less than they did, and now they have to face that, too.
Jonas frowns, casting a glance outside of his tent through one of the rolled flaps acting as a window. Pretty quiet, save the excited stories being told; the caravanners—including Yazat, who he's been spending more time with recently—are eager to find the temple. He's not. His mind's been on his boys, how disappointed he is in how they've conducted themselves, how distant he's felt from them.
He wants to rush to a conclusion. It wouldn't be healthy, however. It wouldn't be the mature thing to do. )
Thank you For even just admitting you don't know I'm sorry I'm pushing ik I'm pushing I just really needed to hear that I've been feeling totally insane and I'm sure you have too during all this it's just like God idk I fucked up in a big way with both of you ik I keep lumping you two together but it just involves both of you idk how to separate them in my head
[ Emotions don't immediately turn off as much as he'd love them to upon reading those words, hackles at least lowering ever-so-slightly even if there's a pit in his stomach formed from anger and fresh self-loathing. And confusion. ]
Idk what to say. Sounds like we both fucked up
[ He felt more assured after his conversation with Cain, even if he still didn't know what to do with their situation then. All he knew was that someone else's flaws were on display for him, and it was a lot easier to see them and call them out than it was to look at his own. Now he's starting to feel insane. ]
I'm not ignoring your apology, I'm just still pissed. [ Right now, honesty feels like the best policy. ]
I need to figure this shit out. Idk how but I've gotta do something. Cain was an asshole, you were an asshole, I was an asshole. Great where does that get us
You don't have to do it alone man, like just isolating ourselves and trying to dwi separately clearly isn't working Cain wants nothing to do with me, that's all ik I'm sorry I flirted with him in front of you You don't have to answer rn I just need you to know that I regret it a lot especially when we had this understanding yk? I wanted this to be really nice for you and like be that super nice memory you were happy to have later
( It all stings. Jonas' anger sputters while Noctis' persists, and he feels cold instead, though that could simply be the inside of his tent.
Desperate to keep a dialogue going, he rushes into the next few texts. )
Do you want me to go? If you do then can we talk soon? Maybe in person or like if you don't want to see me then maybe a call or something like that I won't pop off again I promise I've always had a temper and I'm trying to chill out, I really am trying hard here
( He wants to hear his voice. He wants to hold him again. The loneliness feels oppressive in a way he's never experienced before; he's anxious but apathetic all at once. )
That feels like a kick in the gut and while it pours ice water on his anger towards Jonas, it amplifies it towards this situation. It's... fucking unfair. Coming to terms with any of this was hard enough. Now it's fucked, isn't it?
After they all worked on their relationships with each other so carefully, and after he discovered both men to be thoughtful, funny, and caring in their own ways. ]
I know, it's not that. And I don't want you to go
It's just I haven't heard from him either. After you guys talked he came to me, and I laid into him pretty hard. Since then it's been quiet, for all three of us it sounds like
( Both grief and relief come from learning Noctis is as lonely as he is. He wanted that to be true, but he also wanted Noctis to be thriving. It's such a complex knot of emotions and opinions that he doesn't know where to begin to untangle.
Maybe he should practice by feeling them first. Letting them come to him, hurt him, soothe him, or whatever the fuck they're going to do. )
I'm js even if we're like Even if things are up in the air yk that if you needed me or whatever I'd be right there man Like we don't even have to talk, but if you're feeling some kind of way and want to sleep or train or anything like that I'd come too and just be around Texting or playing phone games or just chilling like No expectations, just company yk? No pressure I just don't want you to think this won't ever be better or something It's gonna be it's just confusing rn
Are you okay? Like with Cain I didn't realize you guys talked so
Just bc things are w/e they are rn doesn't mean anything I said is different either. There's still a place for you back home, we're still friends, I'm still not letting anything happen to you
[ But in what capacity, now? As just friends? As more? He had to stare Jonas's feelings for Cain in the face and realize how little he truly wanted to compete. Now, with Jonas's help, he's being forced to realize one of the main reasons why. A crush, one born of a necessary outlet for aggression and out of chemistry, but which has mutated with the passage of time and intentional efforts at understanding. No wonder Jonas couldn't point out a single line. The entire way he speaks to Cain has changed, and that new awareness has him again standing and giving himself distance from inactivity. That phone stays locked in his hand this time, however, as his chest tightens. ]
It's okay I'm not mad really, ik you're not used to this kind of thing Cain and I knew what we were doing and I just like idk I can't handle how I feel about either of you and it's messing with me
( Being willing to meet him halfway, Noctis has proven yet again that he's a reliable friend and partner, and Jonas loves him for it. Things still sting, which reminds him of his argument with Cain, the lack of reconciliation there, yet the desperation of wanting be near them both.
Fuck.
Fuck. )
Just I'm sorry too For everything Noctis You mean a lot to me, everything you're saying does
[ What else can he say? One word feels insufficient, but it's better than picking the wrong ones and trying to pretend like this is anything less than equally overwhelming to him right now. He doesn't want to lay more on Jonas. But he doesn't want to lie to him either. ]
I don't know how this gets fixed. But ik it ends with us still being friends. So give me some time to fill in the rest okay
I told you I gave him shit bc I did. But I thought we were okay still. Idk he hasn't talked to me since it happened so maybe I was wrong
Well, at least there's that, he thinks. Not best friends, not in Noctis' estimation, because his best friends are back on Eos. So, good friends, maybe.
( Bowing his head over his phone, he tightly clutches it. His last connection to Earth and the life he used to lead. Files in megabytes and kilobytes of pictures formed by pixels on a six-point-four-inch screen, measured diagonally.
It's all dust compared to the scope of everything, but to him, it feels like the entire universe. )
I don't want to be just friends I want to be your boyfriend
[ He knows. And yet reading it stated so simply and openly like that still feels almost physically painful. His chest is tight with a strange mixture of emotions, gratified and excited to hear that from him still but regretful, anguished over the complications that make it impossible for him to just say yes, me too, where are you, I need to see you. ]
You don't know what that means to me. I'm serious
I said I need time with this. Before I can say anything else. Is that okay?
[ As much as he may not want to. Every burden feels unmanageable on his shoulders, but it's intolerable on anyone else's. Anger finds its easiest target in the closest people, and who's closer than yourself? ]
But none of this has been easy. Idk maybe it isn't supposed to be yet
I just know I'm not leaving you until you tell me to go. Even then I'm not making promises. Not when you say stuff like that
When Jonas says it he can almost believe it. Loving others has always been easier than loving himself, and based on how his friend speaks he senses he feels the same way. So how precious is it that he can see a reflection of his own good qualities in Jonas's eyes when he's speaking to him so sincerely? It makes him want to do better. Not just self-deprecate now when he feels he's betrayed him somehow with his own emotions.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
2/2
All I wanted was to be loved by somebody finally and so I messed up and spread myself thin
Yeah whatever I did that lmfao I sure regret it now
What else do you want to hear?
All of my feelings are nothing and my oopinion is nothing and I'm just a raving fucking lunatic
1/2
Then he could grab his hand, at least, and care for Jonas would overwhelm his anger enough that he wouldn't give into the urge to just squeeze it until he stopped saying things to make him more defensive. Fuck.
He doesn't want this. Neither of them want this. Why are they doing this? What the fuck was so bad about sending a few nicknames, something they did in their group chat together? He doesn't say anything to Jonas as he suddenly returns to his phone, hurriedly looking up that thread with Cain to search it for what Jonas sees. There's jokes, there's affection, there's chemistry. Nothing blatant like the drinks and dinner between Cain and Jonas. But everything else. Subtext. He's scrubbing for details like he's on trial and this is evidence instead of being willing to grasp what the larger issue is here. ]
2/2
So what do you actually want rn? Me to accept your apology? Bc I was never not going to. Me to apologize to you for what you read? Sorry but I'm not into him like that
Stop lumping me in with him and putting words in my mouth or I'm gonna end this convo, I'm fucking serious. I'm trying to calm down
no subject
It's a lie. He knows it's a lie. They're both lying to him, and it feels terrible—more than he thought it would. This is going to exist as a splinter in his heel, hobbling him for so long he's not sure he'll ever get over it.
He's done everything that's been asked of him by them. And still, still, whatever forgiveness Noctis says he was always going to give him, feels so distant he's tearing up again.
What does he do? How is he supposed to fix this when he's still an open wound? )
I don't believe you
no subject
Before that their relationship was a storm and Jonas was a port, battles appreciated by Noctis who doesn't exclude some show of conflict from affection, but always in flux. They misunderstood each other while both finding common ground in Jonas, and it would've seemed impossible to him then to imagine a world in which his almost-boyfriend felt like the third wheel. But he spoke about them the same way Cain spoke to him about himself and Jonas, both sure that Noctis had a deeper or somehow uniquely significant bond with the other that they didn't share.
Deeper? No.
Uniquely significant? Yes, maybe so. There are things Cain has innately understood about him and things Jonas has never even needed to question, and both felt right. But now... now he is questioning. Questioning, and outright denying. And Noctis feels more numb when he scrolls through messages, reading and rereading like he doesn't remember how it felt sending each one. Or how it felt kissing each of them. Pure anger. Pure safety. Both intense and impossible to forget.
The addendum comes later after a lengthy stare at a blinking cursor, feeling as confused as he does disappointed and disgusted with himself. ]
I don't know
1/2
Jonas frowns, casting a glance outside of his tent through one of the rolled flaps acting as a window. Pretty quiet, save the excited stories being told; the caravanners—including Yazat, who he's been spending more time with recently—are eager to find the temple. He's not. His mind's been on his boys, how disappointed he is in how they've conducted themselves, how distant he's felt from them.
He wants to rush to a conclusion. It wouldn't be healthy, however. It wouldn't be the mature thing to do. )
Thank you
For even just admitting you don't know
I'm sorry I'm pushing ik I'm pushing I just really needed to hear that
I've been feeling totally insane and I'm sure you have too during all this it's just like
God idk
I fucked up in a big way with both of you
ik I keep lumping you two together but it just involves both of you idk how to separate them in my head
2/2
I was supposed to be apologizing and working through this with you not making it worse
no subject
Idk what to say. Sounds like we both fucked up
[ He felt more assured after his conversation with Cain, even if he still didn't know what to do with their situation then. All he knew was that someone else's flaws were on display for him, and it was a lot easier to see them and call them out than it was to look at his own. Now he's starting to feel insane. ]
I'm not ignoring your apology, I'm just still pissed. [ Right now, honesty feels like the best policy. ]
I need to figure this shit out. Idk how but I've gotta do something. Cain was an asshole, you were an asshole, I was an asshole. Great where does that get us
I need to think
no subject
Cain wants nothing to do with me, that's all ik
I'm sorry I flirted with him in front of you
You don't have to answer rn I just need you to know that I regret it a lot especially when we had this understanding yk?
I wanted this to be really nice for you and like be that super nice memory you were happy to have later
( It all stings. Jonas' anger sputters while Noctis' persists, and he feels cold instead, though that could simply be the inside of his tent.
Desperate to keep a dialogue going, he rushes into the next few texts. )
Do you want me to go?
If you do then can we talk soon?
Maybe in person or like if you don't want to see me then maybe a call or something like that
I won't pop off again I promise
I've always had a temper and I'm trying to chill out, I really am trying hard here
( He wants to hear his voice. He wants to hold him again. The loneliness feels oppressive in a way he's never experienced before; he's anxious but apathetic all at once. )
no subject
That feels like a kick in the gut and while it pours ice water on his anger towards Jonas, it amplifies it towards this situation. It's... fucking unfair. Coming to terms with any of this was hard enough. Now it's fucked, isn't it?
After they all worked on their relationships with each other so carefully, and after he discovered both men to be thoughtful, funny, and caring in their own ways. ]
I know, it's not that. And I don't want you to go
It's just I haven't heard from him either. After you guys talked he came to me, and I laid into him pretty hard. Since then it's been quiet, for all three of us it sounds like
Makes me wanna sleep more. Or hit smth
no subject
Maybe he should practice by feeling them first. Letting them come to him, hurt him, soothe him, or whatever the fuck they're going to do. )
I'm js even if we're like
Even if things are up in the air yk that if you needed me or whatever I'd be right there man
Like we don't even have to talk, but if you're feeling some kind of way and want to sleep or train or anything like that
I'd come too and just be around
Texting or playing phone games or just chilling like
No expectations, just company yk?
No pressure I just don't want you to think this won't ever be better or something
It's gonna be it's just confusing rn
Are you okay?
Like with Cain
I didn't realize you guys talked so
no subject
Just bc things are w/e they are rn doesn't mean anything I said is different either. There's still a place for you back home, we're still friends, I'm still not letting anything happen to you
[ But in what capacity, now? As just friends? As more? He had to stare Jonas's feelings for Cain in the face and realize how little he truly wanted to compete. Now, with Jonas's help, he's being forced to realize one of the main reasons why. A crush, one born of a necessary outlet for aggression and out of chemistry, but which has mutated with the passage of time and intentional efforts at understanding. No wonder Jonas couldn't point out a single line. The entire way he speaks to Cain has changed, and that new awareness has him again standing and giving himself distance from inactivity. That phone stays locked in his hand this time, however, as his chest tightens. ]
I'm sorry
I didn't even fucking see it
[ That question, for now, is ignored. ]
no subject
I'm not mad really, ik you're not used to this kind of thing
Cain and I knew what we were doing and I just like
idk
I can't handle how I feel about either of you and it's messing with me
( Being willing to meet him halfway, Noctis has proven yet again that he's a reliable friend and partner, and Jonas loves him for it. Things still sting, which reminds him of his argument with Cain, the lack of reconciliation there, yet the desperation of wanting be near them both.
Fuck.
Fuck. )
Just I'm sorry too
For everything Noctis
You mean a lot to me, everything you're saying does
no subject
[ What else can he say? One word feels insufficient, but it's better than picking the wrong ones and trying to pretend like this is anything less than equally overwhelming to him right now. He doesn't want to lay more on Jonas. But he doesn't want to lie to him either. ]
I don't know how this gets fixed. But ik it ends with us still being friends. So give me some time to fill in the rest okay
I told you I gave him shit bc I did. But I thought we were okay still. Idk he hasn't talked to me since it happened so maybe I was wrong
1/2
Well, at least there's that, he thinks. Not best friends, not in Noctis' estimation, because his best friends are back on Eos. So, good friends, maybe.
Except Jonas is only ever rarely "good."
Friends, then.
Just friends. )
2/2
It's all dust compared to the scope of everything, but to him, it feels like the entire universe. )
I don't want to be just friends
I want to be your boyfriend
no subject
You don't know what that means to me. I'm serious
I said I need time with this. Before I can say anything else. Is that okay?
no subject
Like it's just a lot to decide by yourself so
idk if you think of anything you wanna talk about just lmk okay
Sorry I made this so difficult
no subject
[ Having complex feelings for two people. Entertaining both while trying to commit to one. How is he such an idiot? At least Jonas could see it. ]
Things won't stay as quiet between us this time, deal?
1/2
I'd prefer it ig
But yeah
Deal
no subject
idk I'll accept anything but us ghosting each other
I won't ever do that
no subject
[ As much as he may not want to. Every burden feels unmanageable on his shoulders, but it's intolerable on anyone else's. Anger finds its easiest target in the closest people, and who's closer than yourself? ]
But none of this has been easy. Idk maybe it isn't supposed to be yet
I just know I'm not leaving you until you tell me to go. Even then I'm not making promises. Not when you say stuff like that
no subject
Like things I've never heard anybody say before
Maybe it's bc you're crazy or just the nicest person I've ever met
Take whatever time you need
I'll be here
🎀
When Jonas says it he can almost believe it. Loving others has always been easier than loving himself, and based on how his friend speaks he senses he feels the same way. So how precious is it that he can see a reflection of his own good qualities in Jonas's eyes when he's speaking to him so sincerely? It makes him want to do better. Not just self-deprecate now when he feels he's betrayed him somehow with his own emotions.
He has to fix this. ]
Thanks. I mean it.
It won't be long.