( There's a scant difference in the amount of light he sees when he closes his. His room is almost totally black; the only source of a weak glow is the pouches of spheres tied closed on his bed.
He sits on the floor against the wall, resting an elbow on his bent knee. )
Please forgive me for my outburst I want to do right by you I've been saying all the wrong things lately
[ In his dorm. Nowhere that someone like Silco can easily find him and add fuel to the fire. Nowhere he might be able to put himself into reckless danger as a way to blow off steam.
Good. ]
Physically?
[ That question alone says plenty. ]
Yeah
But I messed up a lot today and I let shit get to me
Kaladin tries and fails to offer more comfort because he's tired. He knows Noctis is tired, too. It's not the time for a lecture on taking care of oneself when he can't stand without taking ten minutes to convince himself he won't die if he does.
Instead, he says what he's thinking. )
Eventually we won't be able to We'll be sent back home and I've spent so much time thinking about that future I know I must be practical about it About you To protect us from the pain our separation will cause
[ Words appear against a dark sky and it feels like a proclamation, the kind that makes him want to look away. But they follow him, with each blink and glance away to a lean against the rusted old tower's bent and twisted metal supports. His temple presses to cold steel, wondering if it's harder or easier for Kaladin to instead listen to his thoughts read out by some machine. ]
Yeah
[ Those words contain every truth in them, don't they? They turn his stomach and he doesn't know if it's excitement or dread that he feels. ]
I thought about that all the time but not bc I'm worried about getting hurt
I knew I had to keep my head bc there's so much on my shoulders. Yours too. People need us. And there's no version of me that's going to go back home and not do everything I can to help my people and take back my kingdom from the pieces of shit that stole it
The more I thought about it the more I knew that. And now I think about it less bc there's nothing that can make me not be that man. I don't think there's anything that would stop you from being the man you are either. You made me see that tbh
( He wishes the implant shared things with him in Noctis' voice. It can't speak around emotion as if its throat were tight. It can't muffle laughs still audible behind a hand. It can't quietly express resolve or ask him sweetly how he's feeling.
It's a poor substitute for the real thing.
When the reading of Noctis' text concludes, Kaladin calls him, looking forward to having him in his ear again. )
Knowing who we must be for our people doesn't mean we can't be scared. I... think I'm scared most of the time. ( It's a rare admission, but only because no one but Noctis has asked. He's forthright, so much more certain of the negative things he feels than the positive ones.
Except when it comes to wanting. )
Not of dying... but of losing the people I love. Before I meet my end, I'll have watched more friends be sacrificed to war.
This world has its own troubles. Despite that, I feel safer here than I ever have. I know you understand what I mean. It's a journey we're on that's separate from everything. And I've grown... I've grown so attached to it.
At the same time that he does, he also feels understood. It overwhelms him as that pit in his stomach sinks and brows furrow, as frustrated by their current physical separation as he is grateful for it. If he were there he'd struggle to look him in the eye and to say what he needs to, more competent when he feels there are fewer facets of himself to be judged.
Though Kaladin hasn't judged what others have considered his weaknesses and flaws. Only the position and privilege he maintains that others revere. ]
Yeah. Then... I dunno, Kaladin. Maybe I asked the wrong question.
[ He takes a deep breath, knowing it's a vulnerability his friend can hear, just as he hangs on every nuance of Kaladin's own verbal expressions. ]
He only thinks of stalling for time when he realizes he feels guilty that he doesn't feel guilty. It at least warrants more thought than he's currently giving it, but he ignores that, too, in favour of immediate honesty. )
No...
( Something is missing from the end of the word, strongly implied by his tone. A specificity Kaladin wants to share without committing to it verbally. )
[ His knee's drawn up onto the platform to serve as a rest for his forearm, mimicking a position he'd seen Kaladin adopt just the other night. He doesn't need to hesitate with his own answer, even if the silence in his friend's is tantalizing. ]
Sure. All the time.
I said I think about things back home less because I'm more confident in who I am and what I have to do. That doesn't mean it isn't always in the back of my head.
Liking anything here is gonna' make me feel like that.
[ The protest is cut off as he commits himself to listening to his friend, even if the apology feels untenable. And he's glad he does.
There's so much he's expected to do in service to others as a king, but far less that he's been able to offer as himself. This is something he's given Kaladin as Noctis and Noctis alone, and knows he'll remember it far beyond this place. ]
( It's so simple. All the most beautiful things are.
What is left to say in response? )
You make me feel like I could be. ( He smiles. Storms, he smiles, and it feels so much better than he remembers. ) Right now, Noctis, that means everything to me.
[ Again, his chest tightens. Or... no, it feels full to bursting, and when his eyes again sting and burn he doesn't question why or try to dismiss it. It's been an emotional day and a shit one to boot, but this is the opposite of all that. All that fuels unshed tears is so new, and he finally understands Kaladin's fear... the kind borne of protectiveness over this fledgling feeling. ]
Yeah. [ His voice comes out hoarse on that single confirmation, unsure of what else he could need. ]
( Before Noctis asks, he should stop him. This all feels balanced on the head of a pin. Now that they've cultivated this good mood together, it'd be nice if it lasted all night, and any unanticipated question could threaten that.
He selfishly wants to deny Noctis to prevent tears from brimming in his eyes, too. Fear of disappointment contributes, causing a pressure differential in his lungs—an anxiety he's quashed successfully before slowly exhaling. It works as well as any cycle of meditative breathing: His heart rate becomes manageable and the shaky feeling of unease subsides, leaving room for... trust. )
Yeah, I'm... I'm alright.
( Into Noctis' care, he lets himself go, desperate to know what lies beyond this conversation. )
His voice is raw, but it carries an answer. Half of one, at least. )
I took an Oath to become a Knight Radiant. I swore it before Syl and the Stormfather. Life before death. Strength before weakness. Journey before destination.
Journey before destination...
( Their time here may be short, but he'd like to spend every second of it with Noctis. Together in this foreign world, away from all they know. That's their journey, and it precedes destinies they never wanted for themselves. Kaladin fears that, after he reaches his destination, he'll never get another chance like this. He doesn't want to regret never having tried to be happy—however briefly.
What harm will it do them to have something truly good to look back on when they give themselves up to their homeward responsibilities? )
I need to give you my answer in person. Where can I find you?
[ Life before death. Strength before weakness. Journey before destination.
Not for the first time, he admires his friend. The oath itself champions so much in so few words, beautifully succinct and allowing for so few excuses. In fact– ]
Sounds like a good way to live. I wanna' be able to say I did that one day.
[ Back home the destination is all he's had, becoming such a focal point of their time together that he's failed to cherish moments alongside his brothers like he should've. He doesn't want to make that mistake here.
So when Kaladin's question comes he suddenly sits up straighter, body tense with a renewed energy. ]
Ah– Shit. [ The swear slips out before he can stop it, words rushed to try to cover it. ] I'm not even in Kyoto... I came out here to Tokyo using one of the portals. I can meet you somewhere?
( You will be, he thinks. A self-critical mind wants Kaladin to believe he can't help anyone reach that goal, but that's up to Noctis to decide. His friend knows better than him what he needs to make it happen.
The wall is no longer Kaladin's greatest support, so he climbs to his feet and leaves it behind. )
Nervous?
( Levity isn't his strong suit. The question isn't asked to tease Noctis but to commiserate with him. He wants to swear, too. They just fought a battle against a monster that spanned a horizon, and his hands are shaking harder now than they did then. )
If you're not far from the portal, I can meet you beyond it. In Tokyo.
Not because of the free fall that awaits him when he summons a cheap, recently-purchased dagger to his side and takes his first step towards the edge of a sheer drop down to cold streets and glittering lights below. But because of having his feet back on solid ground. ]
Shut up... [ Kaladin asking him outright, however, counterintuitively makes it easier to manage. It ties him back to the friend he's gotten to know and has enjoyed sparring with, not just physically but verbally. And now they're taking a leap together, and the fact that they both don't know where they'll land is an odd comfort. ]
I can be there quick. It's... actually it's near the arcade, if you wanna' meet there. It'll be empty and quiet.
( City travel doesn't necessitate tripling up on Lashings, but someone is waiting for him beyond Kyoto's portal. There's another reason he does it: Streaking through the sky at this speed outstrips all excuses to turn back. Wind passes through his hair and pulls at civilian clothing, invigorating. There are no windspren to fly with and no Syl to witness him; despite this, he smiles anyway.
Because he feels good. He can focus on here and now, on a clear, beautiful night, bereft of all responsibilities but one.
LILITH has protocols Outsiders must follow before transferring, which involves a brief discussion with the soldiers stationed there. After Kaladin makes landfall, they ask him about his business in Tokyo and if he's bringing anything back with him, but don't press him when he says it's personal. He's a hero, and they tell him so. Outsiders helped stop the carnage here and in Kagoshima; naturally, privileges come with that.
Once through, dropping into a soft landing to join his reflection outside Noctis' arcade, Kaladin stands taller. He meets pale blue eyes with a curl of fingers into a steadier fist, prepared for the man waiting to meet him when he pushes through the front doors. )
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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( There's a scant difference in the amount of light he sees when he closes his. His room is almost totally black; the only source of a weak glow is the pouches of spheres tied closed on his bed.
He sits on the floor against the wall, resting an elbow on his bent knee. )
Please forgive me for my outburst
I want to do right by you
I've been saying all the wrong things lately
no subject
[ Getting a response at all is a relief. So why is his chest tight again? ]
Sorry too, my heads not in the right place rn
And we don't have to talk about it yet, that's not why I messaged you
But can you tell me where you're at so I know
1/2
I know where your words come from
( The heart, as always. Noctis never means him harm. That's why he's so easy to forgive. )
I'm in the dormitory
In my room
2/2
If I worried you then I regret not responding to you earlier
Are you okay
no subject
Good. ]
Physically?
[ That question alone says plenty. ]
Yeah
But I messed up a lot today and I let shit get to me
no subject
( Isn't that worth something?
Kaladin tries and fails to offer more comfort because he's tired. He knows Noctis is tired, too. It's not the time for a lecture on taking care of oneself when he can't stand without taking ten minutes to convince himself he won't die if he does.
Instead, he says what he's thinking. )
Eventually we won't be able to
We'll be sent back home and I've spent so much time thinking about that future
I know I must be practical about it
About you
To protect us from the pain our separation will cause
1/2
Yeah
[ Those words contain every truth in them, don't they? They turn his stomach and he doesn't know if it's excitement or dread that he feels. ]
I thought about that all the time but not bc I'm worried about getting hurt
I knew I had to keep my head bc there's so much on my shoulders. Yours too. People need us. And there's no version of me that's going to go back home and not do everything I can to help my people and take back my kingdom from the pieces of shit that stole it
The more I thought about it the more I knew that. And now I think about it less bc there's nothing that can make me not be that man. I don't think there's anything that would stop you from being the man you are either. You made me see that tbh
2/2
audio
It's a poor substitute for the real thing.
When the reading of Noctis' text concludes, Kaladin calls him, looking forward to having him in his ear again. )
Knowing who we must be for our people doesn't mean we can't be scared. I... think I'm scared most of the time. ( It's a rare admission, but only because no one but Noctis has asked. He's forthright, so much more certain of the negative things he feels than the positive ones.
Except when it comes to wanting. )
Not of dying... but of losing the people I love. Before I meet my end, I'll have watched more friends be sacrificed to war.
This world has its own troubles. Despite that, I feel safer here than I ever have. I know you understand what I mean. It's a journey we're on that's separate from everything. And I've grown... I've grown so attached to it.
no subject
At the same time that he does, he also feels understood. It overwhelms him as that pit in his stomach sinks and brows furrow, as frustrated by their current physical separation as he is grateful for it. If he were there he'd struggle to look him in the eye and to say what he needs to, more competent when he feels there are fewer facets of himself to be judged.
Though Kaladin hasn't judged what others have considered his weaknesses and flaws. Only the position and privilege he maintains that others revere. ]
Yeah. Then... I dunno, Kaladin. Maybe I asked the wrong question.
[ He takes a deep breath, knowing it's a vulnerability his friend can hear, just as he hangs on every nuance of Kaladin's own verbal expressions. ]
Do you feel guilty?
no subject
He only thinks of stalling for time when he realizes he feels guilty that he doesn't feel guilty. It at least warrants more thought than he's currently giving it, but he ignores that, too, in favour of immediate honesty. )
No...
( Something is missing from the end of the word, strongly implied by his tone. A specificity Kaladin wants to share without committing to it verbally. )
Do you?
no subject
Sure. All the time.
I said I think about things back home less because I'm more confident in who I am and what I have to do. That doesn't mean it isn't always in the back of my head.
Liking anything here is gonna' make me feel like that.
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I'm sorry, Noctis.
( For all the times he's made him feel guilty. For all the times he wants to in the future. )
I... don't know what else to say.
I don't ask for much. Now that I want something, I can't feel ashamed of that. I've never gotten the things I needed—it broke me.
But if I made you realize you'll always be you... then you made me realize I'll always be me, even if I learn how to be selfish now and then.
1/2
[ The protest is cut off as he commits himself to listening to his friend, even if the apology feels untenable. And he's glad he does.
There's so much he's expected to do in service to others as a king, but far less that he's been able to offer as himself. This is something he's given Kaladin as Noctis and Noctis alone, and knows he'll remember it far beyond this place. ]
Good.
2/2
no subject
What is left to say in response? )
You make me feel like I could be. ( He smiles. Storms, he smiles, and it feels so much better than he remembers. ) Right now, Noctis, that means everything to me.
Thank you... for caring.
no subject
Yeah. [ His voice comes out hoarse on that single confirmation, unsure of what else he could need. ]
Can I ask you something?
no subject
He selfishly wants to deny Noctis to prevent tears from brimming in his eyes, too. Fear of disappointment contributes, causing a pressure differential in his lungs—an anxiety he's quashed successfully before slowly exhaling. It works as well as any cycle of meditative breathing: His heart rate becomes manageable and the shaky feeling of unease subsides, leaving room for... trust. )
Yeah, I'm... I'm alright.
( Into Noctis' care, he lets himself go, desperate to know what lies beyond this conversation. )
Go ahead.
no subject
[ He asks before he can question himself, voice low and clear. ]
Being happy... versus the fear of losing something. Which one's more important?
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His voice is raw, but it carries an answer. Half of one, at least. )
I took an Oath to become a Knight Radiant. I swore it before Syl and the Stormfather. Life before death. Strength before weakness. Journey before destination.
Journey before destination...
( Their time here may be short, but he'd like to spend every second of it with Noctis. Together in this foreign world, away from all they know. That's their journey, and it precedes destinies they never wanted for themselves. Kaladin fears that, after he reaches his destination, he'll never get another chance like this. He doesn't want to regret never having tried to be happy—however briefly.
What harm will it do them to have something truly good to look back on when they give themselves up to their homeward responsibilities? )
I need to give you my answer in person. Where can I find you?
no subject
Not for the first time, he admires his friend. The oath itself champions so much in so few words, beautifully succinct and allowing for so few excuses. In fact– ]
Sounds like a good way to live. I wanna' be able to say I did that one day.
[ Back home the destination is all he's had, becoming such a focal point of their time together that he's failed to cherish moments alongside his brothers like he should've. He doesn't want to make that mistake here.
So when Kaladin's question comes he suddenly sits up straighter, body tense with a renewed energy. ]
Ah– Shit. [ The swear slips out before he can stop it, words rushed to try to cover it. ] I'm not even in Kyoto... I came out here to Tokyo using one of the portals. I can meet you somewhere?
no subject
The wall is no longer Kaladin's greatest support, so he climbs to his feet and leaves it behind. )
Nervous?
( Levity isn't his strong suit. The question isn't asked to tease Noctis but to commiserate with him. He wants to swear, too. They just fought a battle against a monster that spanned a horizon, and his hands are shaking harder now than they did then. )
If you're not far from the portal, I can meet you beyond it. In Tokyo.
no subject
Not because of the free fall that awaits him when he summons a cheap, recently-purchased dagger to his side and takes his first step towards the edge of a sheer drop down to cold streets and glittering lights below. But because of having his feet back on solid ground. ]
Shut up... [ Kaladin asking him outright, however, counterintuitively makes it easier to manage. It ties him back to the friend he's gotten to know and has enjoyed sparring with, not just physically but verbally. And now they're taking a leap together, and the fact that they both don't know where they'll land is an odd comfort. ]
I can be there quick. It's... actually it's near the arcade, if you wanna' meet there. It'll be empty and quiet.
1/2
I'll race you there.
2/2
Because he feels good. He can focus on here and now, on a clear, beautiful night, bereft of all responsibilities but one.
LILITH has protocols Outsiders must follow before transferring, which involves a brief discussion with the soldiers stationed there. After Kaladin makes landfall, they ask him about his business in Tokyo and if he's bringing anything back with him, but don't press him when he says it's personal. He's a hero, and they tell him so. Outsiders helped stop the carnage here and in Kagoshima; naturally, privileges come with that.
Once through, dropping into a soft landing to join his reflection outside Noctis' arcade, Kaladin stands taller. He meets pale blue eyes with a curl of fingers into a steadier fist, prepared for the man waiting to meet him when he pushes through the front doors. )
Noctis?
1/2
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