His voice is raw, but it carries an answer. Half of one, at least. )
I took an Oath to become a Knight Radiant. I swore it before Syl and the Stormfather. Life before death. Strength before weakness. Journey before destination.
Journey before destination...
( Their time here may be short, but he'd like to spend every second of it with Noctis. Together in this foreign world, away from all they know. That's their journey, and it precedes destinies they never wanted for themselves. Kaladin fears that, after he reaches his destination, he'll never get another chance like this. He doesn't want to regret never having tried to be happy—however briefly.
What harm will it do them to have something truly good to look back on when they give themselves up to their homeward responsibilities? )
I need to give you my answer in person. Where can I find you?
[ Life before death. Strength before weakness. Journey before destination.
Not for the first time, he admires his friend. The oath itself champions so much in so few words, beautifully succinct and allowing for so few excuses. In fact– ]
Sounds like a good way to live. I wanna' be able to say I did that one day.
[ Back home the destination is all he's had, becoming such a focal point of their time together that he's failed to cherish moments alongside his brothers like he should've. He doesn't want to make that mistake here.
So when Kaladin's question comes he suddenly sits up straighter, body tense with a renewed energy. ]
Ah– Shit. [ The swear slips out before he can stop it, words rushed to try to cover it. ] I'm not even in Kyoto... I came out here to Tokyo using one of the portals. I can meet you somewhere?
( You will be, he thinks. A self-critical mind wants Kaladin to believe he can't help anyone reach that goal, but that's up to Noctis to decide. His friend knows better than him what he needs to make it happen.
The wall is no longer Kaladin's greatest support, so he climbs to his feet and leaves it behind. )
Nervous?
( Levity isn't his strong suit. The question isn't asked to tease Noctis but to commiserate with him. He wants to swear, too. They just fought a battle against a monster that spanned a horizon, and his hands are shaking harder now than they did then. )
If you're not far from the portal, I can meet you beyond it. In Tokyo.
Not because of the free fall that awaits him when he summons a cheap, recently-purchased dagger to his side and takes his first step towards the edge of a sheer drop down to cold streets and glittering lights below. But because of having his feet back on solid ground. ]
Shut up... [ Kaladin asking him outright, however, counterintuitively makes it easier to manage. It ties him back to the friend he's gotten to know and has enjoyed sparring with, not just physically but verbally. And now they're taking a leap together, and the fact that they both don't know where they'll land is an odd comfort. ]
I can be there quick. It's... actually it's near the arcade, if you wanna' meet there. It'll be empty and quiet.
( City travel doesn't necessitate tripling up on Lashings, but someone is waiting for him beyond Kyoto's portal. There's another reason he does it: Streaking through the sky at this speed outstrips all excuses to turn back. Wind passes through his hair and pulls at civilian clothing, invigorating. There are no windspren to fly with and no Syl to witness him; despite this, he smiles anyway.
Because he feels good. He can focus on here and now, on a clear, beautiful night, bereft of all responsibilities but one.
LILITH has protocols Outsiders must follow before transferring, which involves a brief discussion with the soldiers stationed there. After Kaladin makes landfall, they ask him about his business in Tokyo and if he's bringing anything back with him, but don't press him when he says it's personal. He's a hero, and they tell him so. Outsiders helped stop the carnage here and in Kagoshima; naturally, privileges come with that.
Once through, dropping into a soft landing to join his reflection outside Noctis' arcade, Kaladin stands taller. He meets pale blue eyes with a curl of fingers into a steadier fist, prepared for the man waiting to meet him when he pushes through the front doors. )
[ The word "race" is hardly past Kaladin's lips before Noctis is moving, unsure which of them is the first to disconnect the call in the following moments but he's half-convinced it's both of them. Its end heralds their rush to see each other, and his fingers feel alive with magic when he suddenly whips that dagger forward as far as he can, out into the black of the night.
He wants to feel it.
That whistle in his ears when he vanishes into ether and reappears in a free fall, cool wind whipping past an overheated face while Earth drags him back down. Jitters and excitement don't leave the pit of his stomach but the rush of adrenaline hones his focus, waiting until he sees the tops of buildings to again anchor himself with another hard throw that sets him back on his way. A race across rooftops, all to get to him. He's confident he'll arrive first. ]
[ And he does, responding to the quiet bell of an unlocked door with a soft curse within the darkness of that building. The machines are all powered down and light comes only from beyond the counter near the back, one illuminating the outline of a door to the barely used kitchen and the other casting a soft, blue-tinged glow over reception itself.
There he stands, turning sharply with his profile illuminated so similarly to the way his crystalline magic casts its shadows. It would look elegant... if not for the overfilled pint glass of beer in his hand that spills foam down over his fingers, one placed on the countertop in offering. ]
( Bathed in blue, Noctis looks ethereal. An honorspren in Invested skin.
It's as if sapphire marks have been placed at reception, hidden beneath the lip of the counter his beer is placed on. Hand-pulled, the head makes up half the glass. Kaladin was right; Noctis has little experience drinking, but it doesn't bother him that he lied. He grins, partly because he finds it endearing—and partly because he can't seem to stop. )
Liquid courage. Right? ( He emits a softly glowing fog as he speaks.
Does he sit? Stormlight, still blustering within Kaladin, wants him to move and act. It'll quickly burn off in conversation, but for several minutes, he'll have to compete with it to settle anywhere. For now, he comes to stand with the beer, subtly distributing his weight from foot to foot.
Suspecting it'd be difficult to meet Noctis' eyes, surprise at feeling nothing of the sort makes him confident. Tan Alethi skin, even cast in monochrome, looks darker across his cheeks and the bridge of his nose, however. His friend is wearing a handsome new outfit Kaladin's never seen before, and admiring how the hat makes his hair lie longer against his face and neck has made him blush.
[ Too-blue eyes go first to the door to ensure it's closed and their privacy has been fully secured before he chances a glance at Kaladin. He knows his stare will linger but not how to guard his expression... and he's right, seeing him now in an entirely new light. Tall, strong, and confident tonight, with toned arms shown by that sleeveless shirt and wild hair framing striking features that right now show his happiness. ]
Customers behind the bar, [ he manages, a barely audible joke as he folds his arms over the flat surface and tries his best not to fidget. This untapped energy drives him, and now recognizing the hallmarks of Stormlight he knows Kaladin must feel the same. ]
It's all yours. Pretty sure I owe you two or three by now... but I'm not taking any blame if it tastes weird.
[ Kaladin meets his eyes boldly. Noctis, by contrast, manages a second or two before a shy smile overtakes him and he glances away, clicking his tongue. ]
Sorry, ( he replies as if he were. Teasing Noctis is too rewarding for Kaladin to stop when his payout is a shy little smile that makes his heart race. ) I'm... out of my element. Acting strangely.
( There are too many things to like about Noctis. Even his flaws are appealing in the same way that an imperfect gem is. Because of those uneven facets or cloudy inclusions, he shines in a way that's unique to him. It's beautiful, he thinks, sipping his beer. He's beautiful.
Kaladin feels queasy. )
It's because of you, Noctis, and the question you asked me. I want to give you my answer now. ( Momentum is what he needs to maintain to speak the truth. The longer he dallies, the less confident he feels. )
[ It's too impossible to believe now that their day could've involved any conflict, but now it's equally so obvious what the source was that he feels... silly. Not angry, or sad. Trepidatious still, yes, thanks to the butterflies in his stomach, but they just seem to be heralding a now unavoidable outcome.
Kaladin sips the beer and doesn't make a face and it's one more unimportant thing going right, which is enough to prolong that smile when he turns his head back to quietly admire calloused tanned fingers. ]
What would be strange is you acting normal for once. [ This time the gentle tease is there to calm them both. To make the air between them more familiar, even if it's thicker and more tense than it ever has been before. A finger taps at the surface of that counter before lacing in a jumble with his other hand, and he exhales softly. Fuck. ]
I asked... which was more important, the happiness or the fear.
( A "shut up" is muffled by a deeper swig of rich beer with a flavour profile he hadn't expected. Lavis ale is golden brown and faintly sweet. This is dark brown and bitter; it has an aftertaste like coffee. And on it, his focus lingers too long.
The moment they've been building to is here, right now, and Kaladin is hesitating. This isn't a crisis of confidence, no... he'd feel one coming after years of enduring them on Roshar. The delay, he accepts, as he stares at Noctis with wide eyes, is a growing desire to prolong how he feels right now. Right now, seconds before telling his best friend his inmost vulnerabilities.
He feels like he's falling. )
My answer is that the happiness is more important than the fear. Your happiness... ( Tears collect in the corners of his eyes, and it's his turn to glance away. Overcoming the stress of admitting he matters, maybe as much as Noctis, feels impossible... but what if just for tonight, he pretends he does?
Kaladin reaches for smaller hands, requesting they steady his. The relief that comes from the simple touch makes him shudder. )
... and mine.
( Warmth. From the centre of his chest, it blooms outward and unfurls. It terrifies him, yet he allows himself to be embraced by it, hoping it's contagious and that it passes to Noctis through the squeezing of his fingers. The many branching paths of an existence he considered unsuited to holding onto this feeling converge here.
One last time, he has to try. To care for someone. To be cared for by someone. )
I love you, Noctis, ( Kaladin whispers. ) I want this... for as long as I can have it. Please accept my feelings.
[ Kaladin looks to his valuing of Noctis to allow him to value himself. Noctis looks to his pride in Kaladin for being able to chase his own happiness to... to...
No, maybe for now it's enough of a step to chase his own. He promised him already that the guilt would be an omnipresent specter during their time here, whether apart or together. Kaladin had accepted it, because even if he hadn't understood the feeling himself he understands what it means to battle self-worth. To balance selfishness against duty.
Hands cover his and all at once he can't breathe.
Then those words.
It feels like he's misheard. With the ringing in his ears it's possible, isn't it? To say he's interested in him would mimic what he heard of teenage confessions years ago, or what he's seen from actors on the other side of a screen. This is nothing like that. Kaladin doesn't hesitate, and distantly he understands why he'd wanted to be sure. He wanted to come to Noctis with the full understanding of his feelings.
The aching in his chest tells him just how desperately he wants this, and he focuses on that instead of awareness of how debilitating it would be to try to refuse. ]
... okay. [ His voice is soft, almost too quiet to be heard even by himself, and he stops to clear his throat for another attempt. ]
Yes. Yeah, I wanna' be with you, Kaladin. [ With each word his heart pounds faster, louder, and when he realizes hands are shaking against his friend's he immediately curls fingers tighter against his. ]
( The longer he stares at Noctis, the drier his eyes become. Tears only begin to drip when the burning sets in and Kaladin blinks, his mind rushing his body to eliminate the momentary discomfort. Then there's no excuse for him not to cry when he hears Noctis' "okay."
He takes a deep breath, nodding hurriedly in compliance with the sweet, stammered return of his feelings. )
I do. ( An Oath is sworn. It weaves itself inseparably into his powers and the Nahel bond he shares with Sylphrena, and Kaladin chooses to consider it a comfort. There's no halfheartedly dating a Radiant, he knows... not when their words tend to be considered holy doctrine by some. He doesn't intend to break this promise to love Noctis completely, therefore it won't be an issue.
In the wake of their confessions, his next action is to wade through the blue light of reception. Noctis' hands are lifted within his, letting their natural pull guide them together. Kaladin joins him there in an apologetic loom—because while Alethi are tall, he's even taller. The Lucian prince is contrastingly petite, with narrow shoulders and an even narrower waist.
That must leave the onus on me, Kaladin thinks. He sniffs to clear the emotional ache in his face, sweeping a thumb across Noctis' knuckles. )
[ Soft blue light reflects off tears and his reaction is immediate, squeezing even tighter into his hold on Kaladin's hands not just to offer an instinctive comfort but to keep him from drawing too far away. Having him circle the counter is as appeasing as it is intimidating, head tipped back to keep him in sight.
He's always known that Kaladin was tall. Taller even than Gladio, a man who's been like a brother to him his whole life, stalwart and strong. But before it was trivia. Now it sends a jolt up his spine, one that's setting his nerves alight. It feels crazy that they're standing here like this, and when Kaladin asks that sweet question it's like the bubble of disbelief finally bursts.
His laugh is sudden and unpracticed, hoarse within a tight throat as he finally jerks one hand free but not to separate them. Instead it reaches higher, brushing knuckles against Kaladin's cheek with a little too much force to wipe away tears that match those stinging his own eyes. Physical affection has always been in short supply for the prince, but for once he isn't nervous. He knows by now that Kaladin won't judge that. ]
Seriously?
Up until now you've just... done whatever you wanted. Been a huge pain. Now you want permission...
( Kaladin's jaw works against the first shiver Noctis sends up his spine. He's never allowed another man to touch him like this, so while he has intimate experience in months-long relationships, this feels brand new. Knuckles are rough, and he likes how different they are from brushes of soft fingers.
With permission, he thanks Noctis for it, sweeping him into his arms.
The crown of Noctis' head barely comes up to Kaladin's shoulder. He's not supposed to find it endearing; even Alethi are sensitive about their heights. But storm it, he does anyway, and there's very little chance he can be convinced otherwise. It's the way they fit together—their mismatch and the perfection of that—that makes Kaladin smile again. This time, it's against him, in feathery black hair that tickles his nose. )
I was afraid that, uh... ( His voice, still thick with emotion, softly wavers. ) That you wouldn't feel the same. That you weren't attracted to me. And then we argued...
After that, I knew. I wanted to tell you my feelings earlier, but I was ashamed. I'm so sorry.
[ Earlier this week he was afraid of the possibility of losing his friend. Now, pulled into an embrace that he meets with reflexively tightened shoulders and an equal swell of gratitude, any witty comebacks are robbed from him.
Those rough gestures and teasing words are a comfortable realm for him to show affection, but he underestimates how this can make him feel. Completely wrapped up in him, safe. While Kaladin continues to confess what's on his heart and mind, far better with words than his younger partner has ever managed to be. He doesn't need to hear any reasons why he might've held himself back, not when there are a hundred complications between the two of them. How could he hold that against him, when it took both of them working together to reach where they are now?
Each second that passes encourages him to sink into that hold in a way he can't ever remember having done before, and by the time he realizes just how long he's stayed silent he's lifted both arms, wrapping one and then the other tight around him in return. Fingers twist into the cloth of his shirt to ensure he can't pull away, focused on the unsteady thumps of Kaladin's heart beat as he tries and fails to control his own emotions. It's as if being pulled into that hug has amplified all of them, any barriers rapidly crumbling in the face of pure affection. ]
Don't say sorry. [ The words are finally breathed out, his own voice equally affected and tight. ] This is... you don't know what you've done for me.
( This is the intimacy he took for granted. Lyn was liberal with her affections, and though he spent months trying to match that verve, Kaladin could never return to how he initially felt for her. They never loved each other.
It won't be like that this time. He has a chance to do it right with Noctis.
He shudders as fingers stretch his shirt, muscles twinging at each brush of their bodies. Foreign, to have a strong, masculine frame against him. Alethkar accepts homosexuality reluctantly, and only if there are oaths between partners made and kept. It will be difficult to unwind years of complex knots of denial and societal expectation.
That doesn't mean he can't also find it electric. )
Then tell me. ( A gentle urge, Kaladin's hug changing. Warm hands spread down Noctis' back, cradling there as if it's begun to ache. ) You can tell me anything.
[ Shoulders hitch further as traveling hands sweep low, securing Kaladin's hold and offering warmth where he once felt destabilizing pain. That memory is distant when this feels so safe. ]
I, ah... [ Fingers flex, tightening their hold before he forces them to relax and spread against a shoulder blade. He tips forward, forehead pressing to Kaladin's collar both to hide his expression and to maximize the attention he can draw from him in this moment. He wants to remember every second of it. ]
I've never done anything like this. Forget what I even think, there's no way anyone would try to get close. [ Except Kaladin. He's given him something he thought he might never get to experience, no matter how long they have or don't have. ]
( He's sightlessly staring ahead, eyes losing focus when Noctis pillows his head on his chest. This close, he'll hear Kaladin's breaths and how quickly his heart is beating, won't he?
Rather than hear Noctis', Kaladin can feel them. Hot exhalations warm his shirt, and where his hands spread, he swears there's a pulse there. It could stem from his fingertips when they're so firm in their grasp of narrow hips... Storms, he should be embarrassed, maybe shier, but it's liberating in a way he can't describe. )
... No one? ( Whispered disbelievingly against the crown of Noctis' head. Lips move against soft hair. ) Because of your birthright, right? I understand somewhat. It was wise to tell me only when you were ready. I... I might not have been if it'd happened sooner.
Of course, ( he adds, ) that'd have made me a storming idiot.
[ He's sure he's flushed. He must be, with Kaladin's fingers stirring up those butterflies in his stomach again while he focuses on the breath playing against his hair. It's... overwhelming. ]
Don't even start... [ Though rather than warning Kaladin against the topic of their largest argument to date, he embraces it. He's too exhilarated to be angry and there's a laugh hidden behind those words, keeping his punishment to a light butt of his head against Kaladin's shoulder. ]
Yeah, because of my birthright... even having to say it out loud feels weird.
You have any idea how big a deal this would be on Eos? You'd have to be crazy to put yourself through that...
( Noctis laughs, and it's hard to resist joining in. Kaladin gets close, shoulders tensing as though he might, but allows himself to feel content instead.
Happiness over fear... They could be Noctis' Immortal Words—a Radiant Ideal. Choosing the path that makes you happy instead of sacrificing that for others. )
I know I'm a few arrows short of a full quiver. Thanks.
( They tiptoe the line between serious and not; Kaladin's appreciation for this mood is one he feels deeply protective of. Movement over Noctis' head suggests Kaladin's drawn back, and he has so that he can look down at his companion to memorize how they're arranged. )
So are you. Dating a Radiant isn't the easiest job... though I suppose dating a Prince is more impressive. Know that I'll never begrudge you the difference in salary, ( he jokes, gently tracing Noctis' spine north.
Fingers travel past shoulder blades and up the back of an elegant neck. This is where he cradles next, feeling downy hair between his knuckles. )
... I'm in awe of you, Noctis. Your strength. Your resolve. I need you to know that.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ He asks before he can question himself, voice low and clear. ]
Being happy... versus the fear of losing something. Which one's more important?
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His voice is raw, but it carries an answer. Half of one, at least. )
I took an Oath to become a Knight Radiant. I swore it before Syl and the Stormfather. Life before death. Strength before weakness. Journey before destination.
Journey before destination...
( Their time here may be short, but he'd like to spend every second of it with Noctis. Together in this foreign world, away from all they know. That's their journey, and it precedes destinies they never wanted for themselves. Kaladin fears that, after he reaches his destination, he'll never get another chance like this. He doesn't want to regret never having tried to be happy—however briefly.
What harm will it do them to have something truly good to look back on when they give themselves up to their homeward responsibilities? )
I need to give you my answer in person. Where can I find you?
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Not for the first time, he admires his friend. The oath itself champions so much in so few words, beautifully succinct and allowing for so few excuses. In fact– ]
Sounds like a good way to live. I wanna' be able to say I did that one day.
[ Back home the destination is all he's had, becoming such a focal point of their time together that he's failed to cherish moments alongside his brothers like he should've. He doesn't want to make that mistake here.
So when Kaladin's question comes he suddenly sits up straighter, body tense with a renewed energy. ]
Ah– Shit. [ The swear slips out before he can stop it, words rushed to try to cover it. ] I'm not even in Kyoto... I came out here to Tokyo using one of the portals. I can meet you somewhere?
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The wall is no longer Kaladin's greatest support, so he climbs to his feet and leaves it behind. )
Nervous?
( Levity isn't his strong suit. The question isn't asked to tease Noctis but to commiserate with him. He wants to swear, too. They just fought a battle against a monster that spanned a horizon, and his hands are shaking harder now than they did then. )
If you're not far from the portal, I can meet you beyond it. In Tokyo.
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Not because of the free fall that awaits him when he summons a cheap, recently-purchased dagger to his side and takes his first step towards the edge of a sheer drop down to cold streets and glittering lights below. But because of having his feet back on solid ground. ]
Shut up... [ Kaladin asking him outright, however, counterintuitively makes it easier to manage. It ties him back to the friend he's gotten to know and has enjoyed sparring with, not just physically but verbally. And now they're taking a leap together, and the fact that they both don't know where they'll land is an odd comfort. ]
I can be there quick. It's... actually it's near the arcade, if you wanna' meet there. It'll be empty and quiet.
1/2
I'll race you there.
2/2
Because he feels good. He can focus on here and now, on a clear, beautiful night, bereft of all responsibilities but one.
LILITH has protocols Outsiders must follow before transferring, which involves a brief discussion with the soldiers stationed there. After Kaladin makes landfall, they ask him about his business in Tokyo and if he's bringing anything back with him, but don't press him when he says it's personal. He's a hero, and they tell him so. Outsiders helped stop the carnage here and in Kagoshima; naturally, privileges come with that.
Once through, dropping into a soft landing to join his reflection outside Noctis' arcade, Kaladin stands taller. He meets pale blue eyes with a curl of fingers into a steadier fist, prepared for the man waiting to meet him when he pushes through the front doors. )
Noctis?
1/2
He wants to feel it.
That whistle in his ears when he vanishes into ether and reappears in a free fall, cool wind whipping past an overheated face while Earth drags him back down. Jitters and excitement don't leave the pit of his stomach but the rush of adrenaline hones his focus, waiting until he sees the tops of buildings to again anchor himself with another hard throw that sets him back on his way. A race across rooftops, all to get to him. He's confident he'll arrive first. ]
2/2
There he stands, turning sharply with his profile illuminated so similarly to the way his crystalline magic casts its shadows. It would look elegant... if not for the overfilled pint glass of beer in his hand that spills foam down over his fingers, one placed on the countertop in offering. ]
Hey, back here.
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It's as if sapphire marks have been placed at reception, hidden beneath the lip of the counter his beer is placed on. Hand-pulled, the head makes up half the glass. Kaladin was right; Noctis has little experience drinking, but it doesn't bother him that he lied. He grins, partly because he finds it endearing—and partly because he can't seem to stop. )
Liquid courage. Right? ( He emits a softly glowing fog as he speaks.
Does he sit? Stormlight, still blustering within Kaladin, wants him to move and act. It'll quickly burn off in conversation, but for several minutes, he'll have to compete with it to settle anywhere. For now, he comes to stand with the beer, subtly distributing his weight from foot to foot.
Suspecting it'd be difficult to meet Noctis' eyes, surprise at feeling nothing of the sort makes him confident. Tan Alethi skin, even cast in monochrome, looks darker across his cheeks and the bridge of his nose, however. His friend is wearing a handsome new outfit Kaladin's never seen before, and admiring how the hat makes his hair lie longer against his face and neck has made him blush.
Storms... all this time... )
Know any toasts?
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Customers behind the bar, [ he manages, a barely audible joke as he folds his arms over the flat surface and tries his best not to fidget. This untapped energy drives him, and now recognizing the hallmarks of Stormlight he knows Kaladin must feel the same. ]
It's all yours. Pretty sure I owe you two or three by now... but I'm not taking any blame if it tastes weird.
[ Kaladin meets his eyes boldly. Noctis, by contrast, manages a second or two before a shy smile overtakes him and he glances away, clicking his tongue. ]
Quit... Just drink your beer.
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( There are too many things to like about Noctis. Even his flaws are appealing in the same way that an imperfect gem is. Because of those uneven facets or cloudy inclusions, he shines in a way that's unique to him. It's beautiful, he thinks, sipping his beer. He's beautiful.
Kaladin feels queasy. )
It's because of you, Noctis, and the question you asked me. I want to give you my answer now. ( Momentum is what he needs to maintain to speak the truth. The longer he dallies, the less confident he feels. )
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Kaladin sips the beer and doesn't make a face and it's one more unimportant thing going right, which is enough to prolong that smile when he turns his head back to quietly admire calloused tanned fingers. ]
What would be strange is you acting normal for once. [ This time the gentle tease is there to calm them both. To make the air between them more familiar, even if it's thicker and more tense than it ever has been before. A finger taps at the surface of that counter before lacing in a jumble with his other hand, and he exhales softly. Fuck. ]
I asked... which was more important, the happiness or the fear.
I'm listening.
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The moment they've been building to is here, right now, and Kaladin is hesitating. This isn't a crisis of confidence, no... he'd feel one coming after years of enduring them on Roshar. The delay, he accepts, as he stares at Noctis with wide eyes, is a growing desire to prolong how he feels right now. Right now, seconds before telling his best friend his inmost vulnerabilities.
He feels like he's falling. )
My answer is that the happiness is more important than the fear. Your happiness... ( Tears collect in the corners of his eyes, and it's his turn to glance away. Overcoming the stress of admitting he matters, maybe as much as Noctis, feels impossible... but what if just for tonight, he pretends he does?
Kaladin reaches for smaller hands, requesting they steady his. The relief that comes from the simple touch makes him shudder. )
... and mine.
( Warmth. From the centre of his chest, it blooms outward and unfurls. It terrifies him, yet he allows himself to be embraced by it, hoping it's contagious and that it passes to Noctis through the squeezing of his fingers. The many branching paths of an existence he considered unsuited to holding onto this feeling converge here.
One last time, he has to try. To care for someone. To be cared for by someone. )
I love you, Noctis, ( Kaladin whispers. ) I want this... for as long as I can have it. Please accept my feelings.
1/2
No, maybe for now it's enough of a step to chase his own. He promised him already that the guilt would be an omnipresent specter during their time here, whether apart or together. Kaladin had accepted it, because even if he hadn't understood the feeling himself he understands what it means to battle self-worth. To balance selfishness against duty.
Hands cover his and all at once he can't breathe.
Then those words.
It feels like he's misheard. With the ringing in his ears it's possible, isn't it? To say he's interested in him would mimic what he heard of teenage confessions years ago, or what he's seen from actors on the other side of a screen. This is nothing like that. Kaladin doesn't hesitate, and distantly he understands why he'd wanted to be sure. He wanted to come to Noctis with the full understanding of his feelings.
Unhidden by fear. ]
2/2
The aching in his chest tells him just how desperately he wants this, and he focuses on that instead of awareness of how debilitating it would be to try to refuse. ]
... okay. [ His voice is soft, almost too quiet to be heard even by himself, and he stops to clear his throat for another attempt. ]
Yes. Yeah, I wanna' be with you, Kaladin. [ With each word his heart pounds faster, louder, and when he realizes hands are shaking against his friend's he immediately curls fingers tighter against his. ]
Do you, ah... do you accept my feelings too?
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He takes a deep breath, nodding hurriedly in compliance with the sweet, stammered return of his feelings. )
I do. ( An Oath is sworn. It weaves itself inseparably into his powers and the Nahel bond he shares with Sylphrena, and Kaladin chooses to consider it a comfort. There's no halfheartedly dating a Radiant, he knows... not when their words tend to be considered holy doctrine by some. He doesn't intend to break this promise to love Noctis completely, therefore it won't be an issue.
In the wake of their confessions, his next action is to wade through the blue light of reception. Noctis' hands are lifted within his, letting their natural pull guide them together. Kaladin joins him there in an apologetic loom—because while Alethi are tall, he's even taller. The Lucian prince is contrastingly petite, with narrow shoulders and an even narrower waist.
That must leave the onus on me, Kaladin thinks. He sniffs to clear the emotional ache in his face, sweeping a thumb across Noctis' knuckles. )
I... want to hold you. May I?
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He's always known that Kaladin was tall. Taller even than Gladio, a man who's been like a brother to him his whole life, stalwart and strong. But before it was trivia. Now it sends a jolt up his spine, one that's setting his nerves alight. It feels crazy that they're standing here like this, and when Kaladin asks that sweet question it's like the bubble of disbelief finally bursts.
His laugh is sudden and unpracticed, hoarse within a tight throat as he finally jerks one hand free but not to separate them. Instead it reaches higher, brushing knuckles against Kaladin's cheek with a little too much force to wipe away tears that match those stinging his own eyes. Physical affection has always been in short supply for the prince, but for once he isn't nervous. He knows by now that Kaladin won't judge that. ]
Seriously?
Up until now you've just... done whatever you wanted. Been a huge pain. Now you want permission...
You've already got it.
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With permission, he thanks Noctis for it, sweeping him into his arms.
The crown of Noctis' head barely comes up to Kaladin's shoulder. He's not supposed to find it endearing; even Alethi are sensitive about their heights. But storm it, he does anyway, and there's very little chance he can be convinced otherwise. It's the way they fit together—their mismatch and the perfection of that—that makes Kaladin smile again. This time, it's against him, in feathery black hair that tickles his nose. )
I was afraid that, uh... ( His voice, still thick with emotion, softly wavers. ) That you wouldn't feel the same. That you weren't attracted to me. And then we argued...
After that, I knew. I wanted to tell you my feelings earlier, but I was ashamed. I'm so sorry.
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Those rough gestures and teasing words are a comfortable realm for him to show affection, but he underestimates how this can make him feel. Completely wrapped up in him, safe. While Kaladin continues to confess what's on his heart and mind, far better with words than his younger partner has ever managed to be. He doesn't need to hear any reasons why he might've held himself back, not when there are a hundred complications between the two of them. How could he hold that against him, when it took both of them working together to reach where they are now?
Each second that passes encourages him to sink into that hold in a way he can't ever remember having done before, and by the time he realizes just how long he's stayed silent he's lifted both arms, wrapping one and then the other tight around him in return. Fingers twist into the cloth of his shirt to ensure he can't pull away, focused on the unsteady thumps of Kaladin's heart beat as he tries and fails to control his own emotions. It's as if being pulled into that hug has amplified all of them, any barriers rapidly crumbling in the face of pure affection. ]
Don't say sorry. [ The words are finally breathed out, his own voice equally affected and tight. ] This is... you don't know what you've done for me.
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It won't be like that this time. He has a chance to do it right with Noctis.
He shudders as fingers stretch his shirt, muscles twinging at each brush of their bodies. Foreign, to have a strong, masculine frame against him. Alethkar accepts homosexuality reluctantly, and only if there are oaths between partners made and kept. It will be difficult to unwind years of complex knots of denial and societal expectation.
That doesn't mean he can't also find it electric. )
Then tell me. ( A gentle urge, Kaladin's hug changing. Warm hands spread down Noctis' back, cradling there as if it's begun to ache. ) You can tell me anything.
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I, ah... [ Fingers flex, tightening their hold before he forces them to relax and spread against a shoulder blade. He tips forward, forehead pressing to Kaladin's collar both to hide his expression and to maximize the attention he can draw from him in this moment. He wants to remember every second of it. ]
I've never done anything like this. Forget what I even think, there's no way anyone would try to get close. [ Except Kaladin. He's given him something he thought he might never get to experience, no matter how long they have or don't have. ]
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Rather than hear Noctis', Kaladin can feel them. Hot exhalations warm his shirt, and where his hands spread, he swears there's a pulse there. It could stem from his fingertips when they're so firm in their grasp of narrow hips... Storms, he should be embarrassed, maybe shier, but it's liberating in a way he can't describe. )
... No one? ( Whispered disbelievingly against the crown of Noctis' head. Lips move against soft hair. ) Because of your birthright, right? I understand somewhat. It was wise to tell me only when you were ready. I... I might not have been if it'd happened sooner.
Of course, ( he adds, ) that'd have made me a storming idiot.
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Don't even start... [ Though rather than warning Kaladin against the topic of their largest argument to date, he embraces it. He's too exhilarated to be angry and there's a laugh hidden behind those words, keeping his punishment to a light butt of his head against Kaladin's shoulder. ]
Yeah, because of my birthright... even having to say it out loud feels weird.
You have any idea how big a deal this would be on Eos? You'd have to be crazy to put yourself through that...
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Happiness over fear... They could be Noctis' Immortal Words—a Radiant Ideal. Choosing the path that makes you happy instead of sacrificing that for others. )
I know I'm a few arrows short of a full quiver. Thanks.
( They tiptoe the line between serious and not; Kaladin's appreciation for this mood is one he feels deeply protective of. Movement over Noctis' head suggests Kaladin's drawn back, and he has so that he can look down at his companion to memorize how they're arranged. )
So are you. Dating a Radiant isn't the easiest job... though I suppose dating a Prince is more impressive. Know that I'll never begrudge you the difference in salary, ( he jokes, gently tracing Noctis' spine north.
Fingers travel past shoulder blades and up the back of an elegant neck. This is where he cradles next, feeling downy hair between his knuckles. )
... I'm in awe of you, Noctis. Your strength. Your resolve. I need you to know that.
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