And the fact that he'd ask me that after what he told me just
I still don't fucking get it, it pissed me off, when it's pretty obvious that's exactly what I am to him
The only part you're missing now is that I got mad at him and he sent me a great long message telling me why I shouldn't be and then telling me he didn't want to talk. Now you're all caught up
[He won't deny that something in him burns up, reading that — Jonas telling Nocits that he was serious about him.
A real choice.]
i didn't even fucking know.
i mean, he said shit... but he always says nice shit. right? like he'd tell a bug that he loves it just because that's who he is and it looked cute or something. how was i supposed to know anything he said was serious if he was always messing around? we're just friends. that's what it was. that's what i thought and it never came up anyway.
there's no way it's true that you'd ever be his second choice. are you serious? he's been crazy about you since the beginning. i saw it all the time. he doesn't talk to me the way he talks to you.
[ Why is he getting emotional now? Reliving his miscommunications with Cain through Jonas instead hurts, seeing how they've lost each other in a sea of self-doubt. And it's so goddamn frustrating. ]
Stop telling me what I need to do, I'm serious. You keep saying shit like that and I'm gonna kick your ass
Just like I'm not gonna tell you what to do. If you're scared bc of something then fine, stay away from him me whoever until you figure out things are different. Ik what loss feels like, ik what being responsible for it feels like
But yk what? He talks to me about stuff bc I ask him. His parents or his birthday or w/e. He'd prob be super excited to tell you if you put it out there, so don't give me that. He'd get that dumb look on his face bc he'd be so happy you asked
But you don't ask about that and you don't ask how he feels. Maybe you didn't know to, w/e, which feels crazy after you and I had to talk about it for hours. But saying 'I didn't know' over and over again after hearing someone you like feels that way about you back is fucked up. So tell me you didn't say that to him too
Idk what you did that makes you think assuming the absolute worst of us is the only way to feel better about how guilty you feel
But telling us we don't care about you isn't gonna make it true. I'm sick of this
[Noctis is right. In an effort not to hurt anyone and to keep himself at a distance — he's only achieved the opposite. Maybe he's the problem. It's hard not to imagine that the two of them could've circumvented a lot of this if only he wasn't here, in the middle of it.
There's so much that he's done wrong. He thought he was doing it better this time. But maybe he underestimated the impact they'd have on him. Not just Jonas, Noctis too. The dumb conversations, the comfort in a confusing situation, the simple companionship of having someone else to rely on. It felt easy and natural being their friends, once he let himself do it.
He just doesn't feel like he can trust himself, and that becomes an almost overwhelming sentiment as Noctis puts him in his place.]
sorry. for all of this shit.
jonas already asked for space, so that's it. i'm gonna go.
What'd you tell him? When he asked where we stood.
[ It's an ill-advised question, but he needs to ask it. Especially when all of his other questions are about Jonas and Cain, and after laying into him the way he has that feels untouchable. After all this... he wishes he felt better about himself. But he really doesn't. ]
He thinks about doing it for a while, staring at that blank space where text should go underneath Noctis's own words, left hanging alone — he thinks of telling him what he said exactly. We're not anything. And how cruel it would feel, just like it did when he overheard Praxis and Abel that time, when he realized how much of a scumbag he was being to someone gentle, and nice, and kind. He was hiding himself where he coudn't be seen, because it was the only way to get what he wanted. Even if that want was freedom, did it matter? It was just... selfish.
He's lying again. Maybe he can convince himself he's not, but it's too hard to forget when Noctis keeps bringing him back to it. Over and over again, Noctis keeps making him face it. His questions, his curiosity, stubbornness, dazzling strength — he doesn't know why anyone as incredible as Noctis would be interested in him as anything more than an inconvenience. He assumed from the start that it just wasn't going to happen, so he never thought about it again.
He never gave him a chance.
After a while, Cain runs out of cigarettes, so he picks himself up and goes to find more. And a bottle of that spiced wine from the convoy. And a second one, for later. And maybe a third, since it seems like they're making more for some reason. Whatever he can do to stop thinking about the two of them — where they are, what they're doing, how they're feeling. And how sorry he is.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
2/2
And the fact that he'd ask me that after what he told me just
I still don't fucking get it, it pissed me off, when it's pretty obvious that's exactly what I am to him
The only part you're missing now is that I got mad at him and he sent me a great long message telling me why I shouldn't be and then telling me he didn't want to talk. Now you're all caught up
So wtf did he say to you Cain
1/2
A real choice.]
i didn't even fucking know.
i mean, he said shit... but he always says nice shit. right? like he'd tell a bug that he loves it just because that's who he is and it looked cute or something. how was i supposed to know anything he said was serious if he was always messing around? we're just friends. that's what it was. that's what i thought and it never came up anyway.
there's no way it's true that you'd ever be his second choice. are you serious? he's been crazy about you since the beginning. i saw it all the time. he doesn't talk to me the way he talks to you.
2/2
do this again
okay? it almost fucking killed me last time.
i think it
i think it killed someone else.
you two need to work it out. i'm not gonna be in the way anymore.
no subject
Stop telling me what I need to do, I'm serious. You keep saying shit like that and I'm gonna kick your ass
Just like I'm not gonna tell you what to do. If you're scared bc of something then fine, stay away from him me whoever until you figure out things are different. Ik what loss feels like, ik what being responsible for it feels like
But yk what? He talks to me about stuff bc I ask him. His parents or his birthday or w/e. He'd prob be super excited to tell you if you put it out there, so don't give me that. He'd get that dumb look on his face bc he'd be so happy you asked
But you don't ask about that and you don't ask how he feels. Maybe you didn't know to, w/e, which feels crazy after you and I had to talk about it for hours. But saying 'I didn't know' over and over again after hearing someone you like feels that way about you back is fucked up. So tell me you didn't say that to him too
Idk what you did that makes you think assuming the absolute worst of us is the only way to feel better about how guilty you feel
But telling us we don't care about you isn't gonna make it true. I'm sick of this
no subject
There's so much that he's done wrong. He thought he was doing it better this time. But maybe he underestimated the impact they'd have on him. Not just Jonas, Noctis too. The dumb conversations, the comfort in a confusing situation, the simple companionship of having someone else to rely on. It felt easy and natural being their friends, once he let himself do it.
He just doesn't feel like he can trust himself, and that becomes an almost overwhelming sentiment as Noctis puts him in his place.]
sorry. for all of this shit.
jonas already asked for space, so
that's it.
i'm gonna go.
no subject
Or destroy something. ]
Cain, wait
What did you two say to each other?
no subject
nothing you don't already know
wanted to know where i stood with you, since i guess he thought something was going on. you and i both know that's crazy.
[DO WE?]
then we just got into a fight where he swore he told me his feelings and i blew him off, even if that's not how i remember it at all.
listed a bunch of stupid things to be pissed at him about. ran away. not really that different from your talk.
1/2
[ It's an ill-advised question, but he needs to ask it. Especially when all of his other questions are about Jonas and Cain, and after laying into him the way he has that feels untouchable. After all this... he wishes he felt better about himself. But he really doesn't. ]
2/2
If you need a break I'll ttyl
no subject
He thinks about doing it for a while, staring at that blank space where text should go underneath Noctis's own words, left hanging alone — he thinks of telling him what he said exactly. We're not anything. And how cruel it would feel, just like it did when he overheard Praxis and Abel that time, when he realized how much of a scumbag he was being to someone gentle, and nice, and kind. He was hiding himself where he coudn't be seen, because it was the only way to get what he wanted. Even if that want was freedom, did it matter? It was just... selfish.
He's lying again. Maybe he can convince himself he's not, but it's too hard to forget when Noctis keeps bringing him back to it. Over and over again, Noctis keeps making him face it. His questions, his curiosity, stubbornness, dazzling strength — he doesn't know why anyone as incredible as Noctis would be interested in him as anything more than an inconvenience. He assumed from the start that it just wasn't going to happen, so he never thought about it again.
He never gave him a chance.
After a while, Cain runs out of cigarettes, so he picks himself up and goes to find more. And a bottle of that spiced wine from the convoy. And a second one, for later. And maybe a third, since it seems like they're making more for some reason. Whatever he can do to stop thinking about the two of them — where they are, what they're doing, how they're feeling. And how sorry he is.]