I get it. Guess it was so obvious in my own head I couldn't see that. I was... [ He trails off for a moment, feeling that stare against the side of his face but he doesn't turn. ]
... caught up in my own bullshit.
You just pushed my buttons. Talking about freedom, talking about your experiences. Things that would make me want to fight you.
But you think I don't like you over that? You're a colossal asshole... like one of my best friends back home. You say dumb shit, like my other friend. You can be closed off, and I'm used to that too. I fight with them all the time, because I know they can take it.
And this last fight, what pissed me off the most was I thought you were using shit against me to cut me out. Of course I had to come at you like that. I wanted to be kept around.
[He's struck by the comparison to people he doesn't know, but who clearly hold weight in Noctis's life — similar patterns of behavior that he's navigated before, indicating that despite all of their contention with each other it's not something Noctis would use against him. To blame him. To paint him as some villain, one better beaten and forgotten than befriended.
Noctis isn't looking at him, so he takes the opportunity to really see the man in front of him — unfairly trapped in a place that isn't the home he swore to protect. Cain really doesn't know much, either, but what little that has been shared is enough.
I wanted to be kept around.]
So you just wanted me to say it? Back then. [It isn't clear what he means until he continues.] That we're friends.
I didn't think I had to. Thought you were smart enough to figure it out yourself. [A snort, and now it's his turn to look away.] Of course we are. Even if you piss me off... you're strong. Tough. Bet you were one of the best guards in Eos. We're different, yeah, but... you remind me of someone I know, too. Maybe he was naive, but he was still a good person.
Ugh, whatever. You know. Didn't you figure out what I said in Russian already? [A purposefully careless shrug. He's trying, leave him alone!!] I'm not gonna make it any clearer than that.
All of this exploded over such a simple sentiment and now, in spite of lingering frustrations that are minimized but not fully eradicated by a much-needed conversation, he finds himself less regretful. If they hadn't fought, would they be having this conversation? Clearing up such vivid misconceptions of each other. He feels like he's actually hearing Cain clearly now, maybe for the first time without any lingering bullshit between them. And what he's hearing is kind, perceptive, and straightforward. He wants to mimic it. ]
"Of course", he says, like it's so easy... even now you're trying to be cooler than me. [ The joke feels good, and for once he isn't worried that it'll be taken the wrong way. In this moment, tenuous though it may be, they're on the same page. ]
You saying it was the whole point. I knew what I thought and what I felt, about you too, or... about what I thought you were feeling. But if you said it then you were putting yourself out there as much as I was in asking.
[ He pauses for a moment, a naturally reticent boy more than happy to retreat back into the confines of familiar silence. It almost seems like he will, too, until he picks up his own water canister with a brief tap of one finger against the side. ]
How can I say it...
I hate coffee. [ Suddenly. ] Just like I hated the whiskey you gave me. But I drank it, and I drink coffee with Jonas most nights we're around each other. It just feels like I should like it... and leaning into "should" is important to me. To fit in. To come across a certain way.
I'm not a guard, Cain. I said I looked out for the royal family because it was an easy lie... it's easier to explain knowing about them that way, instead of just saying that I'm one of 'em.
[It comes as a quick quip, some return of sentiment delicately placed between them. To show that he's listening this time, that he understands what Noctis is saying. And that he knows it's a joke. This part is easy enough as evidenced by the brief glimpse of white teeth in the dark when he smirks.]
[But the rest — Cain falls quiet. He can't bring himself to interrupt as it goes on, and he realizes the honesty Noctis is opening up with those words, revealing a part of himself shrouded to Cain's eyes before. Cain wants to tell him that he doesn't want Noctis faking shit between them, that he should speak his mind no matter what he thinks about anyone else. Fitting in isn't important.
Instead he holds his tongue, and when Noctis reaches a natural ending with the gravity of that confession, black eyes watch his face.]
So... what? [It's not said with a tone of accusation, just — curious.] You're royalty? What does that mean, in Eos?
[ The returned joke melts a good portion of his tension as he exhales with a soft snort, wishing he could stay in that moment instead of the next one. But even then, Cain doesn't react badly. There's no immediate judgment or anger at Noctis for withholding the truth, and he'll take a few probing questions over that right now. ]
... that's your question? Geeze... you and Jonas had the same reaction. Guess it's different in different places.
Prince Noctis Lucis Caelum. That's the whole thing. –and I don't expect you to share your name back or anything, I get it. I'm saying it 'cause I want to. [ Before any unseen pressure can be applied where he doesn't want it. ]
It's complicated now. Before it meant I'd take over for my old man when the time was right. Lead Lucis, manage the war, get married. All the "should"s. Either way, I wasn't trying to lie to you about it. I just didn't know if I could trust you when we met. Now... things are different.
[Prince. The name itself sounds so official, so lofty it's hard to comprehend. It feels like it did when he was sitting next to Abel, learning about his life — a deeper glimpse into what made him the way he is and how separate their worlds were. Cain didn't know what it was like to live on earth, to be born into a position of privilege and power; he didn't have a dad who cared he was there half the time. What was Noctis's father like, by comparison?
It also makes him think about Jonas's reaction to this, another little clue of awareness that the two of them have shared so much more with each other by now. He has a lot of catching up to do.]
... It kinda makes sense now, looking back. No wonder you talk with all this responsibility about things. About people. [Breath, almost a laugh. Hah.] You probably hated being called princess.
[Now things are different. Cain sees it too, which is why he's still serious, sticking with the subject for as long as Noctis intends to talk about it. He doesn't feel pressure to share anything himself, because it's not really about him right now.]
Do you even want all of that?
[Leading Lucis, managing a war... Getting married. All those 'shoulds'.]
Like I'm supposed to love being called that if I'm not a prince? Think...
[ A beleaguered sigh is put on, another shared joke as he debates introducing Cain's shoulder to a rough shove. Even now he can't quite find the courage to lift his hand, still finding his bearings where it comes to comfortability. The topic doesn't help, and the question brings with it a sudden change in his demeanor.
His expression locks down into impassivity again, eyes wrenched from Cain and focused on the impressive starscape winking down at them from above. Eos is one of those sources of light... probably. ]
Is that really what we came out here to talk about?
You said all that stuff about freedom, before. That it'd be nice if we could just choose what we wanted, and that not everybody gets that. There's no point thinking too hard about it if you're not one of those people. I'm not a kid that needs that explained to me.
... tell me something else. What you said you wouldn't tell me over text, the reason you had to talk to him.
[... Okay, he can see it now. If he pushes them any further down that path, it's going to chafe up against some sensitive part of Noctis, an area of agitation recognizable to Cain only because he has so many of his own. He might have argued, if this was before — because he wouldn't have been able to see past what Noctis is saying to that feeling of isolation and estrangement behind it.
Abel felt like that too, even if joining the Alliance must have been like running away. Not even a prince had that option, did he?]
It's nothing that serious. [Cain sighs, bringing water to his lips for a drink that buys time.] ... Before we were, you know — here — I did something. I was... doing something, I guess, but I fucked it all up and everything went wrong, if it was ever going right.
[The closest he's come to sharing the story, Cain's posture reflects it, regaining tension as his shoulders draw in. But he's still talking. He feels like he owes Noctis this, at least.]
And that's not new. I've fucked up a lot of stuff, so it just seemed natural this would go the same way. It felt like it was out of control. [A shrug.] I tried to fix it. That's the reason I got shot.
Anyway — I'm just saying that I don't want to do that again. I don't want to mess up, so that's why he had to know.
[ Noctis, now accustomed to taking whatever information he can get from Cain and trying to piece it together in some patchwork mess, remembers when he alluded to something similar. Something bad that happened before his arrival, something which led to a bullet wound that Noctis had somehow managed to perfectly find within their first few days together. No wonder he got under Cain's skin so damn fast. It's like they were fated to root around where they didn't belong way too fucking early. ]
Yeah?
[ The question is soft and noncommittal, allowing Cain to say or not say whatever he likes in response.
It works better when he doesn't steamroll him, insensitive to... to his friend's wants and needs. He has so many sore points where life has dug into him, and just because he doesn't want them to be seen doesn't mean they aren't there and in urgent need of care. ]
Sounds like you had a resolution after all, Cain.
... I know he was pissed before, but I'll talk to him. Help smooth things over. Knowing him once all that's done he'll be pretty happy you did that for him. He'll probably end up supporting you the most anyway, making a big deal out of things like he always does. And –
If you need a hand with anything, I'll back you up too.
[Somehow it feels easier to discuss this in the dark. Maybe there's something wrong with that, but Cain doesn't care — not in the moment. It doesn't mean he's not affected by the quick show of support from Noctis, tolerated in his own way with a quiet tch and turn of his head, glad that his embarrassment is partially disguised by shadow of night.]
You don't have to do that. But... thanks.
[The description of Jonas is amusing, further showing that Noctis knows him just as well. No wonder. Jonas seems to wear his heart on his sleeve, and maybe that's what attracted both of them so quickly.
They're different, but they're just as similar too. Cain's finally willing to admit it.]
God, I'm so fucking hungry. [With the hardest part of this conversation out of the way, he can't distract himself from the clench of his stomach; Noctis can probably hear it growl from where he's sitting anyway. He reaches for the water and finishes it off, to numb the ache.] Dunno if the food rations are doing it for me anymore. You catch anything in the water yet?
[ "I know I don't," he wants to retort, but he bites down on the reply. That might make him defensive, and it's just as well that they keep this from becoming argumentative. ]
... you're like a caveman, seriously. All that and you wanna' talk about how hungry you are? [ Fresh off the back of some tough revelations from Noctis, a new groundwork that's been laid between them, and Cain's obvious reliving of some private trauma of his own. Unbelievable. ]
Yeah, I caught plenty. You want some right now? I can make it happen, but it'll cost you. [ For a second he actually almost feels guilty that Cain might've thought their conversation was at an end. But he doesn't want to do this later, doesn't want to exhume a sensitive topic that they should be laying to rest. As if in penance, he slides his own water over to him as an offering. ]
... you said you did all that shit because you wanted to win. You'll do anything for that. But you didn't even try to take a swing at me after we both got up again.
[I don't think you understand the gravity of just how hungry he is, Noctis...
There's a soft snort, eyes rolling as he directs his attention down to the oasis, admiring the glittery reflection of stars on the still surface of water. He's not that surprised Noctis continues the topic, and neither is he alarmed by its direction — because he knew it would come up eventually, even if he wasn't willing to do it himself.]
I mean, at that point, wasn't it obvious? [No, Cain. Use your words.] ... I figured the damage was already done. Even if I didn't win by that rule we set, I'd pissed you off enough it wouldn't matter. I already won, in a way. I was trying to get you to leave me alone. How do you stop making a mistake when you're halfway through it?
[A frustrated sigh as he takes the bottle of water from Noctis, scrubbing his face with his other hand. He's gonna have to walk off somewhere private and take a piss, at this rate... But the thought of fish is too compelling to a stomach convinced of its own starvation, so he stays put for now.]
[ Tell me about your hunger in great agonizing detail please. ]
So it was that, huh.
[ Cain, making himself into some colossal villain. Keeping himself from friendships with people he believes he'll make worse, and Noctis hasn't forgotten the words he used to justify his feelings. That's just one more question in the slew of them he still has, but he can't deny Cain a return query.
Arms fold over his knees as he leans forward, suddenly interested in distracting himself with a shift in his body weight. It's reminiscent of his natural desire to fidget, the physical manifestation of anxiety he refuses to allow to show on a neutral face. Right now, however, in spite of the cold, he wonders if that impassive expression isn't dusted with red. Another reason that darkness is a blessing. ]
Is it my turn? "Isn't it obvious"?
... you didn't tell him I responded to you. [ His body, first, though Noctis only consciously thinks of the kiss before realizing the duality of his word choice. Fuck, this is fucking embarrassing... ]
That when you kissed me, I kissed you back.
... you'd already done your damage by then, too. You didn't need to do any of that. [ The unspoken question is there, lingering. ]
It feels awful and exposing when Noctis speaks, in more ways than one. It puts his own actions plainly in front of him, and it leaves too many questions left in the dark space between them.]
... I wasn't going to tell him. Even if you did respond, it wasn't — on purpose. [Involuntary. Due to the circumstances and whatever existing desire Noctis has in him for other men. Cain knows it well; it's not like getting someone to react to physical stimuli is really that difficult.] So what would it help by saying that to Jonas?
[Wouldn't it just be cruel? It's a move Cain wasn't willing to make, knowing that if he said Noctis kissed him back, Jonas might be upset in a way he doesn't want to cause. It didn't mean anything to Noctis, so it would've hurt Jonas for no reason. It seemed so unnecessary to mention in the moment.]
That part's... your decision, anyway. [Unaware of whether Noctis and Jonas have discussed it yet, he can only assume.] It's between the two of you.
[His gaze remains off to the side, brow furrowed, thinking about the moments he's already shared with Jonas — fun and playful and a little too something else, yet unspoken.]
[ Cain invokes his relationship with Jonas and it isn't that that's a bad thing, not when he's leveraged it just as heavily. It just feels incomplete. Like it skirts around the spirit of what they're asking each other, and an event that would be more comfortable for them to half-address. It's not tenable. ]
I get it... but you don't.
I already told him. [ He allows that bomb to drop, to create the same pit in Cain's stomach that it created in his when he had to say it. And then, foreseeing a follow-up that may or may not come: ]
It wasn't because I thought he had to know. You feel like you have to be honest with him because you want to be someone better. Maybe because that's the promise you guys have made to each other. But to me it was our business what happened.
I only told him because you gave him the rest. And how you laid it out wasn't fair. Just like you sitting here telling me what I meant, how I feel, and what I'm doing isn't. It's starting to get on my nerves again.
[There's so much he wants to pursue about that statement: I already told him. What was Jonas's reaction? Did the two of them work it out? If they did, then surely there's nothing in the way now, except Noctis's preoccupation with Eos. A woman named Luna he's supposed to marry even if he doesn't really want to. Has it come up yet? Have they discussed it, and have they grown closer as a result?
Then Noctis keeps talking, going to an extent that calls him out and draws a dark, furtive look that flinches off seconds later.]
So you never would have told him? If I hadn't done anything.
[There's a more important question he should be asking, but this one feels sore in a different way, wondering at intention.]
Our business... doesn't it involve him? You wouldn't have talked to me half as much if Jonas wasn't here.
Jonas is my friend. A close one, somebody I'm gonna' make sure is good no matter what it takes here.
[ His frustration is mounting but this time it's not directed at Cain, even when he suddenly turns to lock eyes with him. It's clear in the tight way he grasps at his own arms and the solemn line of his mouth, stare intent just as it had been before they fought but without any of the same aggression. ]
But tying everything we do to him is gonna' drag him down. Every fight's gonna' wear on him, and every time we patch things up it'll be for his sake. I'm talking to you. You just said we're friends too. Maybe we would've been friends faster if we'd finished our first fight, or maybe it never would've happened. Who knows...
Now I wanna' fix this for us too. I didn't say it before because I convinced myself you'd be an asshole about it, but now I'm not letting that stop me. I've been wrong about everything else.
I tried to like coffee. I tried to... like girls. I tried to be a hardass with you. But I figured out I can be "shouldn't" here, instead of just "should" all the time. I wanna' be around you for you.
[Unbelievable. Noctis is talking his mouth off in that stern, straightforward tone — looking him in the eye and refusing to back down — and it's any wonder Cain can concentrate enough to drum up a response. It feels like they might as well be fighting again for how it affects him; he sits up straighter, bracing one elbow on a crossed knee and pinching the bridge of his nose with gloved fingers. Then he rubs at his temple with a thumb. In the dark, his expression is half-hidden by that upraised hand, just part of his profile visible in a strip of bronze skin.]
God, you are... infuriatingly my type. Like, you're so hot when you get worked up.
[Maybe you don't want him to speak his mind, actually. 🤡]
Hey. I owe you five questions, right? Since you won. [Cain leans back and begins fishing around in the pockets of his pants for something — it becomes obvious when a hand-rolled cigarette and golden lighter are both produced.] Mind if we do 'em next time? We can still talk, I'm just saying. There's only so much of this I can take at once.
[ Reality sets in and the words Cain has formed with that foul mouth of his finally connect to their meaning in his short-circuited brain, and the color in his face that the darkness has done such a good job of hiding deepens substantially and all at once. No one has ever spoken to him like that in his life, and he isn't unaware of the fact that no one may ever again.
It's as frustrating as it is ego-boosting, heart rate quickening in this private moment, up high over a too-blue pool. ]
Oi, you– [ OMAE... ]
[ He leans over suddenly, leg jostling that heater when he delivers a hard smack to Cain's shoulder, one without intent to do lasting damage but that nevertheless has the heft behind it he deserves. ]
You are so annoying; I knew that kiss wasn't some big strategy... [ The words slip out with less self-censorship than he might've preferred, an indelicate way to broach that topic, but being flustered ironically gives him an extra dose of courage. They both acted on impulse. Pretending it was anything else is a pointless venture, and maybe if they let it sit between them it won't be as awkward. A hard argument to make when his face is this red. ]
I say all that, and that's your response? Not even "yeah, me too, Noctis"? I did the heavy lifting and you say the first thing that comes into your head... like I need a reminder that I won and that you owe me...
[Considering their record, that smack might as well be a gentle pat on the shoulder — Cain feigns annoyance with a hiss as he rubs the spot, but it's all for show.]
Ow. Already trying to beat me up again? It was a bitch to have to travel with my ribs messed up, never mind the questions I got about my face...
[At some point, he just started telling people a wild cat attacked him, even though as far as he's aware (and he'd know by now), there aren't any comparable animals on this planet.]
[But clearly Cain's not worked up for another fight by the way he reclines on the ground, one hand back, cigarette burning between his lips where he lets it perch. Inhales, exhales a plume of smoke, ashes it with his fingers.]
You wanna be around me, this's all part of the package, sweetheart.
[One hand gestures to... well, the entirety of himself.]
... but, look. I'm just not that good at saying it. All right? You and Jonas — it's easier for you. Or you make it seem easy. I guess I'm not that trusting of people. I don't like being open. You two are the only ones I give a shit about right now that's not out of some obligation to whatever role I'm playing on this mission.
So listen up, because I'm not gonna say it again: I want to fix this too. As long as you don't pretend to be something you're not around me, then we'll be okay.
Stop, [ comes the immediate corrective reply to Cain's showy soothing of his latest possible bruise. There's no one out here but them, and he knows damn well his friend isn't trying to elicit sympathy from him over a perfectly manly strike or two.
The mood sobers when Cain begins to speak, however, and he does his damndest to focus and listen despite his habit of casually dropping lines that rattle him so effectively and completely. They're from different worlds, both literally and figuratively. That's been the chief takeaway explaining their instinctive incompatibility, but just because it's difficult doesn't mean it isn't worth trying to see behind the veil. Not when Cain cares about them, and finds it in himself to say it out loud. ]
... then I'll try. [ It's the best he can do, and it's obvious by the offer's imperfection that he means it. ] Playing a part's necessary for me. Less here, and even less with you guys. If I slip up, it's not 'cause I want to.
So same for you. I told you before you don't have to trust me; I get it. Just don't lie to me. It's better if you just tell me to fuck off if I start getting on your nerves. So... whatever. Whole package it is, then.
... I practiced something to say to you, you know. With Reze.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
... caught up in my own bullshit.
You just pushed my buttons. Talking about freedom, talking about your experiences. Things that would make me want to fight you.
But you think I don't like you over that? You're a colossal asshole... like one of my best friends back home. You say dumb shit, like my other friend. You can be closed off, and I'm used to that too. I fight with them all the time, because I know they can take it.
And this last fight, what pissed me off the most was I thought you were using shit against me to cut me out. Of course I had to come at you like that. I wanted to be kept around.
no subject
Noctis isn't looking at him, so he takes the opportunity to really see the man in front of him — unfairly trapped in a place that isn't the home he swore to protect. Cain really doesn't know much, either, but what little that has been shared is enough.
I wanted to be kept around.]
So you just wanted me to say it? Back then. [It isn't clear what he means until he continues.] That we're friends.
I didn't think I had to. Thought you were smart enough to figure it out yourself. [A snort, and now it's his turn to look away.] Of course we are. Even if you piss me off... you're strong. Tough. Bet you were one of the best guards in Eos. We're different, yeah, but... you remind me of someone I know, too. Maybe he was naive, but he was still a good person.
Ugh, whatever. You know. Didn't you figure out what I said in Russian already? [A purposefully careless shrug. He's trying, leave him alone!!] I'm not gonna make it any clearer than that.
no subject
All of this exploded over such a simple sentiment and now, in spite of lingering frustrations that are minimized but not fully eradicated by a much-needed conversation, he finds himself less regretful. If they hadn't fought, would they be having this conversation? Clearing up such vivid misconceptions of each other. He feels like he's actually hearing Cain clearly now, maybe for the first time without any lingering bullshit between them. And what he's hearing is kind, perceptive, and straightforward. He wants to mimic it. ]
"Of course", he says, like it's so easy... even now you're trying to be cooler than me. [ The joke feels good, and for once he isn't worried that it'll be taken the wrong way. In this moment, tenuous though it may be, they're on the same page. ]
You saying it was the whole point. I knew what I thought and what I felt, about you too, or... about what I thought you were feeling. But if you said it then you were putting yourself out there as much as I was in asking.
[ He pauses for a moment, a naturally reticent boy more than happy to retreat back into the confines of familiar silence. It almost seems like he will, too, until he picks up his own water canister with a brief tap of one finger against the side. ]
How can I say it...
I hate coffee. [ Suddenly. ] Just like I hated the whiskey you gave me. But I drank it, and I drink coffee with Jonas most nights we're around each other. It just feels like I should like it... and leaning into "should" is important to me. To fit in. To come across a certain way.
I'm not a guard, Cain. I said I looked out for the royal family because it was an easy lie... it's easier to explain knowing about them that way, instead of just saying that I'm one of 'em.
1/2
[It comes as a quick quip, some return of sentiment delicately placed between them. To show that he's listening this time, that he understands what Noctis is saying. And that he knows it's a joke. This part is easy enough as evidenced by the brief glimpse of white teeth in the dark when he smirks.]
2/2
Instead he holds his tongue, and when Noctis reaches a natural ending with the gravity of that confession, black eyes watch his face.]
So... what? [It's not said with a tone of accusation, just — curious.] You're royalty? What does that mean, in Eos?
no subject
... that's your question? Geeze... you and Jonas had the same reaction. Guess it's different in different places.
Prince Noctis Lucis Caelum. That's the whole thing. –and I don't expect you to share your name back or anything, I get it. I'm saying it 'cause I want to. [ Before any unseen pressure can be applied where he doesn't want it. ]
It's complicated now. Before it meant I'd take over for my old man when the time was right. Lead Lucis, manage the war, get married. All the "should"s. Either way, I wasn't trying to lie to you about it. I just didn't know if I could trust you when we met. Now... things are different.
no subject
It also makes him think about Jonas's reaction to this, another little clue of awareness that the two of them have shared so much more with each other by now. He has a lot of catching up to do.]
... It kinda makes sense now, looking back. No wonder you talk with all this responsibility about things. About people. [Breath, almost a laugh. Hah.] You probably hated being called princess.
[Now things are different. Cain sees it too, which is why he's still serious, sticking with the subject for as long as Noctis intends to talk about it. He doesn't feel pressure to share anything himself, because it's not really about him right now.]
Do you even want all of that?
[Leading Lucis, managing a war... Getting married. All those 'shoulds'.]
no subject
[ A beleaguered sigh is put on, another shared joke as he debates introducing Cain's shoulder to a rough shove. Even now he can't quite find the courage to lift his hand, still finding his bearings where it comes to comfortability. The topic doesn't help, and the question brings with it a sudden change in his demeanor.
His expression locks down into impassivity again, eyes wrenched from Cain and focused on the impressive starscape winking down at them from above. Eos is one of those sources of light... probably. ]
Is that really what we came out here to talk about?
You said all that stuff about freedom, before. That it'd be nice if we could just choose what we wanted, and that not everybody gets that. There's no point thinking too hard about it if you're not one of those people. I'm not a kid that needs that explained to me.
... tell me something else. What you said you wouldn't tell me over text, the reason you had to talk to him.
no subject
Abel felt like that too, even if joining the Alliance must have been like running away. Not even a prince had that option, did he?]
It's nothing that serious. [Cain sighs, bringing water to his lips for a drink that buys time.] ... Before we were, you know — here — I did something. I was... doing something, I guess, but I fucked it all up and everything went wrong, if it was ever going right.
[The closest he's come to sharing the story, Cain's posture reflects it, regaining tension as his shoulders draw in. But he's still talking. He feels like he owes Noctis this, at least.]
And that's not new. I've fucked up a lot of stuff, so it just seemed natural this would go the same way. It felt like it was out of control. [A shrug.] I tried to fix it. That's the reason I got shot.
Anyway — I'm just saying that I don't want to do that again. I don't want to mess up, so that's why he had to know.
no subject
Yeah?
[ The question is soft and noncommittal, allowing Cain to say or not say whatever he likes in response.
It works better when he doesn't steamroll him, insensitive to... to his friend's wants and needs. He has so many sore points where life has dug into him, and just because he doesn't want them to be seen doesn't mean they aren't there and in urgent need of care. ]
Sounds like you had a resolution after all, Cain.
... I know he was pissed before, but I'll talk to him. Help smooth things over. Knowing him once all that's done he'll be pretty happy you did that for him. He'll probably end up supporting you the most anyway, making a big deal out of things like he always does. And –
If you need a hand with anything, I'll back you up too.
no subject
You don't have to do that. But... thanks.
[The description of Jonas is amusing, further showing that Noctis knows him just as well. No wonder. Jonas seems to wear his heart on his sleeve, and maybe that's what attracted both of them so quickly.
They're different, but they're just as similar too. Cain's finally willing to admit it.]
God, I'm so fucking hungry. [With the hardest part of this conversation out of the way, he can't distract himself from the clench of his stomach; Noctis can probably hear it growl from where he's sitting anyway. He reaches for the water and finishes it off, to numb the ache.] Dunno if the food rations are doing it for me anymore. You catch anything in the water yet?
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... you're like a caveman, seriously. All that and you wanna' talk about how hungry you are? [ Fresh off the back of some tough revelations from Noctis, a new groundwork that's been laid between them, and Cain's obvious reliving of some private trauma of his own. Unbelievable. ]
Yeah, I caught plenty. You want some right now? I can make it happen, but it'll cost you. [ For a second he actually almost feels guilty that Cain might've thought their conversation was at an end. But he doesn't want to do this later, doesn't want to exhume a sensitive topic that they should be laying to rest. As if in penance, he slides his own water over to him as an offering. ]
... you said you did all that shit because you wanted to win. You'll do anything for that. But you didn't even try to take a swing at me after we both got up again.
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There's a soft snort, eyes rolling as he directs his attention down to the oasis, admiring the glittery reflection of stars on the still surface of water. He's not that surprised Noctis continues the topic, and neither is he alarmed by its direction — because he knew it would come up eventually, even if he wasn't willing to do it himself.]
I mean, at that point, wasn't it obvious? [No, Cain. Use your words.] ... I figured the damage was already done. Even if I didn't win by that rule we set, I'd pissed you off enough it wouldn't matter. I already won, in a way. I was trying to get you to leave me alone. How do you stop making a mistake when you're halfway through it?
[A frustrated sigh as he takes the bottle of water from Noctis, scrubbing his face with his other hand. He's gonna have to walk off somewhere private and take a piss, at this rate... But the thought of fish is too compelling to a stomach convinced of its own starvation, so he stays put for now.]
What parts did you tell Jonas that I left out?
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So it was that, huh.
[ Cain, making himself into some colossal villain. Keeping himself from friendships with people he believes he'll make worse, and Noctis hasn't forgotten the words he used to justify his feelings. That's just one more question in the slew of them he still has, but he can't deny Cain a return query.
Arms fold over his knees as he leans forward, suddenly interested in distracting himself with a shift in his body weight. It's reminiscent of his natural desire to fidget, the physical manifestation of anxiety he refuses to allow to show on a neutral face. Right now, however, in spite of the cold, he wonders if that impassive expression isn't dusted with red. Another reason that darkness is a blessing. ]
Is it my turn? "Isn't it obvious"?
... you didn't tell him I responded to you. [ His body, first, though Noctis only consciously thinks of the kiss before realizing the duality of his word choice. Fuck, this is fucking embarrassing... ]
That when you kissed me, I kissed you back.
... you'd already done your damage by then, too. You didn't need to do any of that. [ The unspoken question is there, lingering. ]
🚨🚨🚨
It feels awful and exposing when Noctis speaks, in more ways than one. It puts his own actions plainly in front of him, and it leaves too many questions left in the dark space between them.]
... I wasn't going to tell him. Even if you did respond, it wasn't — on purpose. [Involuntary. Due to the circumstances and whatever existing desire Noctis has in him for other men. Cain knows it well; it's not like getting someone to react to physical stimuli is really that difficult.] So what would it help by saying that to Jonas?
[Wouldn't it just be cruel? It's a move Cain wasn't willing to make, knowing that if he said Noctis kissed him back, Jonas might be upset in a way he doesn't want to cause. It didn't mean anything to Noctis, so it would've hurt Jonas for no reason. It seemed so unnecessary to mention in the moment.]
That part's... your decision, anyway. [Unaware of whether Noctis and Jonas have discussed it yet, he can only assume.] It's between the two of you.
[His gaze remains off to the side, brow furrowed, thinking about the moments he's already shared with Jonas — fun and playful and a little too something else, yet unspoken.]
I'm sure he'll understand.
WEE WOO WEE WOO
I get it... but you don't.
I already told him. [ He allows that bomb to drop, to create the same pit in Cain's stomach that it created in his when he had to say it. And then, foreseeing a follow-up that may or may not come: ]
It wasn't because I thought he had to know. You feel like you have to be honest with him because you want to be someone better. Maybe because that's the promise you guys have made to each other. But to me it was our business what happened.
I only told him because you gave him the rest. And how you laid it out wasn't fair. Just like you sitting here telling me what I meant, how I feel, and what I'm doing isn't. It's starting to get on my nerves again.
When you could just ask instead.
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Then Noctis keeps talking, going to an extent that calls him out and draws a dark, furtive look that flinches off seconds later.]
So you never would have told him? If I hadn't done anything.
[There's a more important question he should be asking, but this one feels sore in a different way, wondering at intention.]
Our business... doesn't it involve him? You wouldn't have talked to me half as much if Jonas wasn't here.
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[ His frustration is mounting but this time it's not directed at Cain, even when he suddenly turns to lock eyes with him. It's clear in the tight way he grasps at his own arms and the solemn line of his mouth, stare intent just as it had been before they fought but without any of the same aggression. ]
But tying everything we do to him is gonna' drag him down. Every fight's gonna' wear on him, and every time we patch things up it'll be for his sake. I'm talking to you. You just said we're friends too. Maybe we would've been friends faster if we'd finished our first fight, or maybe it never would've happened. Who knows...
Now I wanna' fix this for us too. I didn't say it before because I convinced myself you'd be an asshole about it, but now I'm not letting that stop me. I've been wrong about everything else.
I tried to like coffee. I tried to... like girls. I tried to be a hardass with you. But I figured out I can be "shouldn't" here, instead of just "should" all the time. I wanna' be around you for you.
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God, you are... infuriatingly my type. Like, you're so hot when you get worked up.
[Maybe you don't want him to speak his mind, actually. 🤡]
Hey. I owe you five questions, right? Since you won. [Cain leans back and begins fishing around in the pockets of his pants for something — it becomes obvious when a hand-rolled cigarette and golden lighter are both produced.] Mind if we do 'em next time? We can still talk, I'm just saying. There's only so much of this I can take at once.
1/2
2/2
It's as frustrating as it is ego-boosting, heart rate quickening in this private moment, up high over a too-blue pool. ]
Oi, you– [ OMAE... ]
[ He leans over suddenly, leg jostling that heater when he delivers a hard smack to Cain's shoulder, one without intent to do lasting damage but that nevertheless has the heft behind it he deserves. ]
You are so annoying; I knew that kiss wasn't some big strategy... [ The words slip out with less self-censorship than he might've preferred, an indelicate way to broach that topic, but being flustered ironically gives him an extra dose of courage. They both acted on impulse. Pretending it was anything else is a pointless venture, and maybe if they let it sit between them it won't be as awkward. A hard argument to make when his face is this red. ]
I say all that, and that's your response? Not even "yeah, me too, Noctis"? I did the heavy lifting and you say the first thing that comes into your head... like I need a reminder that I won and that you owe me...
1/2
Ow. Already trying to beat me up again? It was a bitch to have to travel with my ribs messed up, never mind the questions I got about my face...
[At some point, he just started telling people a wild cat attacked him, even though as far as he's aware (and he'd know by now), there aren't any comparable animals on this planet.]
2/2
You wanna be around me, this's all part of the package, sweetheart.
[One hand gestures to... well, the entirety of himself.]
... but, look. I'm just not that good at saying it. All right? You and Jonas — it's easier for you. Or you make it seem easy. I guess I'm not that trusting of people. I don't like being open. You two are the only ones I give a shit about right now that's not out of some obligation to whatever role I'm playing on this mission.
So listen up, because I'm not gonna say it again: I want to fix this too. As long as you don't pretend to be something you're not around me, then we'll be okay.
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The mood sobers when Cain begins to speak, however, and he does his damndest to focus and listen despite his habit of casually dropping lines that rattle him so effectively and completely. They're from different worlds, both literally and figuratively. That's been the chief takeaway explaining their instinctive incompatibility, but just because it's difficult doesn't mean it isn't worth trying to see behind the veil. Not when Cain cares about them, and finds it in himself to say it out loud. ]
... then I'll try. [ It's the best he can do, and it's obvious by the offer's imperfection that he means it. ] Playing a part's necessary for me. Less here, and even less with you guys. If I slip up, it's not 'cause I want to.
So same for you. I told you before you don't have to trust me; I get it. Just don't lie to me. It's better if you just tell me to fuck off if I start getting on your nerves. So... whatever. Whole package it is, then.
... I practiced something to say to you, you know. With Reze.