[ None of his familiar defense mechanisms can shield him from the rawness of the moment because dismissal of himself would be dismissal of Jonas right now, and that's unacceptable. So he sits and allows such meaningful, unfamiliar praise to wash over not just himself but a confused young boy who'd sat alone in the Citadel and wondered for hours on end what was wrong with him and how he would systematically hide that from the rest of the world for as long as he could.
When he nods it's curt, jaw locked and chin stiff until Jonas's hand comes to rest against his back and melts away tension that had kept him together as much as it had locked him up. He exhales all at once, breath shuddering out of his lungs as he turns to direct a blurry gaze at the floor of that tent. ]
It's okay. [ The words aren't convincing but he needs to say them, maybe just for himself. ]
... sorry. You'll tell me to shut up and that it's fine... but I didn't come here for this either. To lay everything on you.
Maybe you were right. [ He glances back, hand turning in Jonas's to grasp at his palm. ]
And we can just sit together for a while. We don't have to talk about anything.
[ With so much in the air between them now known and quietly waiting for acknowledgement, the tension feels lessened instead of heightened. Their earlier conversation isn't going anywhere, just like this one isn't. And the weight on his shoulders finally feels a little lighter. ]
( His hand is muggy now, but it's not like that matters. Noctis' feels perfect there, palm to palm, and Jonas only improves it by lacing their fingers together. Now it's a tight, unbreakable clutch, and the private squeezes he gives can be numerous. )
You know me so well, ( comes the first lighter joke from Jonas, and the beginning of many.
Humour isn't everyone's method for calming down after a tense discussion, but Noctis has shown him a couple of times now that he's receptive to it. His eyes meet and hold the pair already on him, expression both faintly concerned and—for lack of a better description—adoring. This is his friend. His best friend. He can't think of anything else he'd rather be doing than sitting here in comfort with him, ensuring he feels stable. And that, eventually, he feels strong.
Responding with silence is Jonas' first answer to such a restful idea. The second is to lower his head to Noctis' shoulder, cushioning his cheek there to embrace him, even this small amount. Legs outstretched into the blankets below, he rests there, letting his mind wander where it may.
It settles only briefly on Noctis' body, drifting down his legs. There's nothing objectifying about it, content to simply memorize him at all distances while feeling the faint, quick heartbeat in his fingertips. )
[ The humor does help, sparking a little half-smile as he blinks away tears that might betray his emotions. Right now he doesn't want to think about what he doesn't have, or didn't have, or opportunities that are now lost to him. Right now he wants to sit in this moment and focus on what he does.
Jonas.
Somehow or another, despite a bad attitude and an almost lackadaisical defense mechanism, he has Jonas. More than once in their short relationship he thought he'd finally pushed him to some brink that might cause him to reconsider the worth of this odd bond between them, forged between two people that couldn't be further apart. Hell, a real part of him, an insidious part that still exists, thought he had done it tonight.
His hair tickles the side of his face and he wonders if he's dreaming. Then, he wonders if this is what love feels like. One thought flows to the next so naturally it doesn't even startle him, face flushed an unpracticed red when he gently draws his hand away from Jonas's. It turns, not seeking its partner again, but resting next to it so Noctis can seek out each tiny difference and each similarity. Every detail of this moment is something he wants to memorize, wordless and content.
It takes minutes for him to break that silence, and when he does his voice is sturdier and more sure. ]
( There's an unsteadiness in Jonas' breathing that can be attributed easily to sitting beside a love interest, wavering out of his nose the entire time they're quiet. He tried to relax fully, but after he quickly realized that wasn't written in their stars, he decided to embrace it. Let himself be nervous and vulnerable, because Noctis is doing the same.
Their hands rest so close, once pulled apart, yet he knows better than to repossess it fully. To move it away where neither of them can see it. Instead, as Noctis breaks their self-imposed silence, he uses the short distraction to hook his pinky finger over the one next to his. )
Yeah, okay... I mean, they're pretty stupid, though. ( Charmed into another smile, Jonas finally lifts his head away with a wet little sniff.
They speak the same language. It's such a relief that he wants to touch him again, gather him up in his arms and take him down onto the pile of blankets. Tuck him up and hold him. Make him grin, laugh, and playfully threaten him. Kiss his shoulder, neck, and ear. Noctis isn't the only one blushing, Jonas ducking his head a bit more shyly as he seeks his datapad. )
Um, so this is the weird snail-looking one. ( Reintroducing his friend to his pictures, taken rather well and at a low enough angle that suggests he was on his belly for the photoshoot, Jonas breathes in deeply and exhales as soundlessly as he can. ) The—That's the first one I sent. It's got, like, googly eyes. I... I don't know what for.
And... this one. I like this one, it's my favourite, I think. Like, with the bit of pink flair it's got going on. Must be its wings or something, but it was kind of dark.
[ He'll think about that pinky for too long later. It's silly and it's sweet, and when Jonas pulls away and he considers reestablishing contact he doesn't, content in the meantime with the memory. For him, this is all new. Not just the earth-shattering truths he's speaking out loud to the universe for the first time, but the innocuous affection that Jonas has already admitted was common and encouraged in his upbringing. Engaging with it in the amount that feels comfortable, the amount that he can without pushing himself too hard, feels allowed and that alone is novel.
It's hard to keep an eye on those bugs as Jonas flips through each of their pictures when he'd much rather observe how they make his friend feel in each one of his facial expressions. They're stupid, they're gross... and right now they're his favorite animals, because they make Jonas smile in a way that's stupid and gross. Just like his own expression when it twists to match.
Eventually the coffee runs out, somewhere between their decision to stretch out in the comforter pile below and Noctis's attempts to hum the melody to his latest favorite Earth song whose name he's forgotten for Jonas to recognize. He promises to text him about it later and for a moment, it feels like everything has returned to the strange sort of normal they've developed over the past two months. Normal... but better. More intimate and more at ease, an electric feeling in the air that makes his smiles come easier but doesn't intimidate them as the night goes on.
He cares for Jonas. Jonas cares for him. And by the time he finally gets up to leave, there's no lingering anxiety or doubt in his decisions. He trusted the right person, and he finally said the right thing. ]
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no subject
When he nods it's curt, jaw locked and chin stiff until Jonas's hand comes to rest against his back and melts away tension that had kept him together as much as it had locked him up. He exhales all at once, breath shuddering out of his lungs as he turns to direct a blurry gaze at the floor of that tent. ]
It's okay. [ The words aren't convincing but he needs to say them, maybe just for himself. ]
... sorry. You'll tell me to shut up and that it's fine... but I didn't come here for this either. To lay everything on you.
Maybe you were right. [ He glances back, hand turning in Jonas's to grasp at his palm. ]
And we can just sit together for a while. We don't have to talk about anything.
[ With so much in the air between them now known and quietly waiting for acknowledgement, the tension feels lessened instead of heightened. Their earlier conversation isn't going anywhere, just like this one isn't. And the weight on his shoulders finally feels a little lighter. ]
no subject
You know me so well, ( comes the first lighter joke from Jonas, and the beginning of many.
Humour isn't everyone's method for calming down after a tense discussion, but Noctis has shown him a couple of times now that he's receptive to it. His eyes meet and hold the pair already on him, expression both faintly concerned and—for lack of a better description—adoring. This is his friend. His best friend. He can't think of anything else he'd rather be doing than sitting here in comfort with him, ensuring he feels stable. And that, eventually, he feels strong.
Responding with silence is Jonas' first answer to such a restful idea. The second is to lower his head to Noctis' shoulder, cushioning his cheek there to embrace him, even this small amount. Legs outstretched into the blankets below, he rests there, letting his mind wander where it may.
It settles only briefly on Noctis' body, drifting down his legs. There's nothing objectifying about it, content to simply memorize him at all distances while feeling the faint, quick heartbeat in his fingertips. )
no subject
Jonas.
Somehow or another, despite a bad attitude and an almost lackadaisical defense mechanism, he has Jonas. More than once in their short relationship he thought he'd finally pushed him to some brink that might cause him to reconsider the worth of this odd bond between them, forged between two people that couldn't be further apart. Hell, a real part of him, an insidious part that still exists, thought he had done it tonight.
His hair tickles the side of his face and he wonders if he's dreaming. Then, he wonders if this is what love feels like. One thought flows to the next so naturally it doesn't even startle him, face flushed an unpracticed red when he gently draws his hand away from Jonas's. It turns, not seeking its partner again, but resting next to it so Noctis can seek out each tiny difference and each similarity. Every detail of this moment is something he wants to memorize, wordless and content.
It takes minutes for him to break that silence, and when he does his voice is sturdier and more sure. ]
... hey.
You wanna' show me your stupid bugs?
no subject
Their hands rest so close, once pulled apart, yet he knows better than to repossess it fully. To move it away where neither of them can see it. Instead, as Noctis breaks their self-imposed silence, he uses the short distraction to hook his pinky finger over the one next to his. )
Yeah, okay... I mean, they're pretty stupid, though. ( Charmed into another smile, Jonas finally lifts his head away with a wet little sniff.
They speak the same language. It's such a relief that he wants to touch him again, gather him up in his arms and take him down onto the pile of blankets. Tuck him up and hold him. Make him grin, laugh, and playfully threaten him. Kiss his shoulder, neck, and ear. Noctis isn't the only one blushing, Jonas ducking his head a bit more shyly as he seeks his datapad. )
Um, so this is the weird snail-looking one. ( Reintroducing his friend to his pictures, taken rather well and at a low enough angle that suggests he was on his belly for the photoshoot, Jonas breathes in deeply and exhales as soundlessly as he can. ) The—That's the first one I sent. It's got, like, googly eyes. I... I don't know what for.
And... this one. I like this one, it's my favourite, I think. Like, with the bit of pink flair it's got going on. Must be its wings or something, but it was kind of dark.
This one, too—
no subject
It's hard to keep an eye on those bugs as Jonas flips through each of their pictures when he'd much rather observe how they make his friend feel in each one of his facial expressions. They're stupid, they're gross... and right now they're his favorite animals, because they make Jonas smile in a way that's stupid and gross. Just like his own expression when it twists to match.
Eventually the coffee runs out, somewhere between their decision to stretch out in the comforter pile below and Noctis's attempts to hum the melody to his latest favorite Earth song whose name he's forgotten for Jonas to recognize. He promises to text him about it later and for a moment, it feels like everything has returned to the strange sort of normal they've developed over the past two months. Normal... but better. More intimate and more at ease, an electric feeling in the air that makes his smiles come easier but doesn't intimidate them as the night goes on.
He cares for Jonas. Jonas cares for him. And by the time he finally gets up to leave, there's no lingering anxiety or doubt in his decisions. He trusted the right person, and he finally said the right thing. ]